Rev Senator Sir Stanley of Redwood: dost thou jest?

In the reign of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, in the Government of Jamaica's Upper Chamber, in this, the year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Thirteen, only 'Propa English' may be uttered.

So sayeth the president of Her Majesty's aforementioned Senate, the Rev Sir Stanley of Redwood, hailing from St Elizabeth parish, as he castigated Senator Mark Golding, Esquire, when the latter gentleman quoteth in the language of the common-folk: "Respeck due!"

Rev Sir Stanley! Wilt thou gettest real?

What's this 'Propa English'? Outa road, I've heard of a 'propa ting', or a 'propa fix', or even a 'propa beatin'', meaning 'well-appointed', 'satisfying', and 'extreme', respectively. So what is 'propa' admits of context. One thing doesn't change, though: if you buck up a propa ting and want to get a propa fix, one starts with a propa-sition. But if you choose badly, you might get a propa beatin'. Ah soh de ting set!

I'm saying there isn't really such a thing as 'Proper English' so much as there is a set of rules and expectations that are 'Standard English', and I'm happy there is. By my lights, it's the shifting set of conventions that allows a Kenyan or Australian to read and understand an Indian or Jamaican with relative ease, and then discuss it with a Texan or a Trini. I have found it very convenient, in fact, a lifesaver. So, unlike the IMF, there's no need to wave it ta-ta at the first available opportunity. But I also think Jamaicans abandoned the stiff straitjacket of the OED a looong time ago and have been himproving hinglish ever since.

Mind you, it's a little delicious for a sturdy country preacher man to tell an uptown brown man that he must speak proper English. Why not? Such is the beauty and variety of yard.

Mark Golding, to my certain knowledge, can keep up a conversation in English for a half-hour or thereabouts. So why the 'lapse'? He seems to have been acknowledging that the civil-service unions had joined in the effort to reduce government spending by accepting wage restraint. Given the stakes involved, he can be forgiven some enthusiasm.

CAN'T AVOID OFFENDING SOMEONE

In fact, he may equally, and with justification, have said, "Tank yuh, Puppa Jeeezas!", and maybe that would have been acceptable because it's almost a prayer? But then there's another crowd who would say he was taking the Lord's name in vain, and yet another who would say there should be no religion in the Senate of a secular nation. It goes to show that you cannot avoid offending someone. Ol'-time people would say - outside the Senate, of course - 'anyweh yuh tun, macka juk yuh!'

I got a graphic illustration of why the Government must insist that Patois is usable, without any prejudice to the user, when watching a court proceeding last year as part of my requirement for the Norman Manley Law School.

A woman was giving testimony in a murder case appropriately and as best she could, I thought. She was receiving the questions in English, but responding in Patois. She was being respectful, but she was full of emotion. She was, after all, talking about her son's killing in front of policemen, sitting in the court dock, she believed to be his murderers.

Surprisingly, the judge cautioned the woman to "speak in English" and also gave words to the effect that she should cut out the theatrics and remember she was in a solemn place. This struck me as completely inappropriate. As if the solemnity of the proceeding was detracted from by Patois!

This will remind us that a man, even a judge, can be talking perfect standard English, and perfect nonsense. Of course, the obverse is true, too, and not necessarily uncommon. Yuh can chat Patwa an' don't mek nuh sense either.

So I might add that had Senator Golding chosen the English version before the interruption of his 'flow', I don't think he would thereby have been an enemy of the people, or of the State, though that classification is easier to get. The difference between "Respeck due" and "Respect is due" is just a few letters, and I don't think civilisation hangs in the balance. So going forward, Rev Stanley, please stoppeth the crap - and 'low de business fi gwaan wid likkle Patwa inna it!

Daniel Thwaites is a partner of the Thwaites Law Firm in Jamaica, and Thwaites, Lundgren & D'Arcy in New York. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.