Let's Talk Life

Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson, Contributor

Relationship stress

Dear Counsellor,

My spouse and I need to manage our anger. We quarrel a lot and I don't like that. I have scheduled an appointment with a counsellor to help us cope.

- Maxine

Dear Maxine,

Relationships are hard work. It is good to speak to a counsellor about your issues. You both need to make a commitment to work continuously on the anger issues.

Anger is a natural part of life and it can keep you safe. People like to have things just how they like it. Sometimes what one partner wants or needs is not readily available or is not possible at the time. In managing disputes, partners need to agree that they are different and are from different backgrounds. Fortunately, while you can't force your partner to change, you can change the way you react and respond to his anger, and ultimately, improve your relationship.

You need to assess your relationship. How do you currently respond when your partner expresses anger in an unwelcome way?

Acknowledge your own patterns of behaviour. Thinking about what you could do differently is the first step towards change. Some people ignore the spouse while others give in for a peaceful life. Remember that you are in control of what you do. Consider which actions are acceptable to you and which are not, and then clearly define your personal boundaries.

Pay close attention to your thoughts. How you think determines how you feel. If you replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations, you will be taking a giant step towards achieving your relationship goals.

Avoid caving in to your partner's expression of anger. Voice your opinions and calmly and clearly express your emotions. By doing so, you are communicating that your needs matter as much as your partner's.

timeout

When you are angry, you need to take a timeout. Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit.

Once you are calm, express your anger. As soon as you are thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive way. Do not be confrontational, though. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly without hurting your spouse or trying to control him.

Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it is easy to say something you will later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything and allow your spouse to do the same.

To avoid criticising or blaming, which only increases tension, use 'I' statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. Don't hold a grudge.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

Practise relaxation skills whenever your temper flares. Imagine a relaxing scene or repeat a calming word or phrase.

Email questions and feedback for Dr Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson to yvonniebd@hotmail.com or call 978-8602.