Dear Doc:Fantasising about the neighbour

Doc, I am a married man. My wife and I have a good sex life, but some years ago I had sexual fantasies about the woman next door.

Whenever I am having sex with my wife, as I approach climax, the face of this woman drifts into my mind. I imagine that I am making love to her and this image stays with me until after I have orgasm.

Naturally, my wife does not know about this. What do you think I should do?

A: Sexual fantasies of this kind are extremely common, among men and women. Several surveys have shown that 50 to 60 per cent of people sometimes fantasise about someone else when they are having intercourse.

Quite frequently, the 'someone else' is a neighbour. Other times, it could be a film star, or maybe a famous singer or sports personality.

I suppose this kind of fantasy would not be a problem if it wasn't the same person all the time until the image is not 'stuck' in the mind. Psychologists call that phenomenon 'imprinting' .

The effects of imprinting is that, eventually, the man or woman my not be able to achieve an orgasm unless he or she thinks about the fantasy. That is not a good situation to be in.

Sounds to me like you are well on the way to being 'imprinted' with this fantasy about your next-door neighbour. So you should do everything you can to stop it now!

One simple psychological trick is to deliberately inflict a tiny amount of pain on yourself whenever you start thinking about this woman. Experts usually tell their patients to put a rubber band on the wrist, and to 'twang' it whenever the thought occurs!

If that does not work, you should see a therapist or counsellor who can advise you about other ways of distracting yourself from this fantasy.

Finally, do not be tempted to put your sex fantasy into reality and make a move on your neighbour. That would probably be disastrous for your marriage.

I am 28 years old and I have been married for three years. I have been having unprotected sex with my husband for most of our marriage, but I have not been able to get pregnant.

Sometime in 2009, I was diagnosed with a condition called 'PCOS'. Apparently, on my ovaries there are 'multiple immature follicles'.

Is there any non-surgical way I can correct this?

A: Sorry to hear about your problems in getting pregnant. This is certainly because of the condition called PCOS. As you may know, this is called polycystic ovarian syndrome. This is a very common condition.

Some of the features include:

Facial hair

Weight gain

Irregular menses;

Thinning hair or hair loss;

Spotty skin.

PCOS is characterised by numerous little cysts (fluid-filled swellings, also known as 'follicles') in the ovaries. The cause for these cysts is not known. Unfortunately, because the ovaries aren't working properly, it is often quite difficult for women with PCOS to become pregnant.

Judging by the dates you gave, it sounds like you were diagnosed before you got married. Did you and your husband realise that conception would probably not be possible?

Unfortunately, there is no surgery to correct the condition. But you could try the following:

Slim down;

Get lots of exercise;

Try to avoid stress.

Medical treatment is a matter for a gland specialist or a gynaecologist. They can prescribe various medicaments for you, including perhaps an anti-diabetic drug called metformin.

In addition, you may be given 'fertility drugs' to make you ovulate. Whether you are taking these drugs at the moment or not, from now on, you should make every effort to find out the actual day on which you are ovulating. On that day, you and your husband should have sex at least twice if possible, in order to increase your chance of conception.

I wish you well in your efforts to have a baby.

I have developed a lump in my groin, and I have been told that this is a rupture.

Doc, will that rupture affect my sex life?

A: No, but in general ruptures nearly always need to be cured by surgery. It is very rare that something goes wrong during these operations that can cause problems with your sex life or fertility. However, that mishap is so uncommon that I have never seen such a case.

Doc, I have an issue. I have been sexually active with my boyfriend for almost two years now and I'm getting worried about the relationship because he cannot make me have an orgasm.

I have only had one once with him. So I am wondering if something is wrong with me and how I can solve this problem.

A: I don't know how young you are, but if you are under (say) age 22, you should take note of the fact that many younger women take years to learn to reach orgasm regularly. It is not an easy, straightforward thing, as it usually is with men.

So the truth is that a lot of women don't learn to climax until they are in their late 20s, or even their 30s. I have even seen women who learnt how to do it for the first time when they were past the menopause.

Now a crucial question is, can you reach orgasm in other ways? For instance, do you achieve climax through masturbation? And have you achieved it with other men in your past?

If the answer to either of those questions is 'Yes', then it is unlikely that there is anything physically wrong with you. Indeed, the fact that you have had one orgasm with your present partner, suggests that physically, everything is in working order.

I suspect that, like a lot of women, you do not yet feel ready to give yourself completely to your current partner. Maybe you are just not very happy with this relationship?

It is also possible that your partner simply does not know how to make you orgasm. A lot of men do not have much idea about stimulating a woman's clitoris, or about how to make a woman feel relaxed, happy and loved.

What I would like you to do is to check a site called 'Can't Orgasm? Here's Help For Women'. It is a useful source of simple, practical advice.

Send questions to deardoc@gleanerjm.com