Escaping Miss Shirley's 'sermon' in Old Harbour Bay

Woe be unto the man who finds himself in the company of Miss Shirley from Old Harbour Bay in St Catherine on a day when she has been to church and is eager to spread the message she picked up from the day's sermon.

"So, son, like how yuh was already into Old Harbour and yuh see the service was going on, why yuh never just come in and fellowship?" the sprightly 60-something-year-old woman asked me as we stood near some parked taxis near a bank. "Yuh seh yuh is here to see what is what, but what is what is inside the house of the Lord!" she emphasised. I didn't really know what to say, so I remained quiet, even though she stared at me silently, apparently waiting for a response.

I had started chatting with Miss Shirley only a few minutes earlier, and because she had a Bible and what looked like a hymnal in hand, I mentioned to her that I was struck by the number of churches in Old Harbour. I had counted seven along a single stretch.

"Yes!" she had exclaimed. "But is not every place what seh dem is church is really church, yuh know. It is only in the right church that yuh will find the spirit of God. And if a building don't have the spirit of God, then it cannot be a church!"

I gave a perfunctory nod, really wondering what that strange scent was that was getting stronger by the minute. I could hear a frying sound coming from inside a small shop behind me and assumed that someone was inside preparing a meal. I wondered, based on the smell, if they hadn't made some grave error.

NOT READY?

Eventually, Miss Shirley broke her silent stare by asking me if I wanted to accompany her back to church. "Now?" I asked, caught off-guard. "How yuh mean, now?" she snapped. "When your time in this world expire and the trumpet sound above, yuh going to really look pan God and ask ef is now him really call yuh?" Again she paused, awaiting a reply.

"Er … I was … ahm," was my clever response.

"I go to worship already, yuh know. I was only thinking of you," Miss Shirley said. I thanked her heartily for the consideration, but explained to her that I was unable to hang around long enough for a church service.

"Humph! Well, that is your business," she said and stormed off. It was an alarming turn of events and our parting clearly was not the most friendly. I was, however, a little relieved to be alone again.

I now turned my attention back to the frying noise with an aim to find out what the source of that ghastly scent was.

As I approached the door of the building from which both scent and sound were coming, out stepped a man of about 40 years holding a plate. There was meat of sorts on the plate and his lips were covered with gravy. The man, who had a scar over his left eyebrow, was chewing feverishly. I immediately realised that what he was so enthusiastically devouring was the cause of the rancid smell that had been causing my senses great unease.

Not wanting to appear rude, I first introduced myself to the man. He told me to call him Gary. After a few minutes, I casually inquired about the origin of his plate's contents.

"Is goat, man!" he said, still chewing. Without thinking, I made a quip about him cooking the wrong end of the goat. Luckily, he didn't hear me. He just kept on eating. I told him he seemed to be really enjoying the meal. "Yes, man. Is mi friend cook it for me. Him seh is me alone love the goat when it cook down till it dry dry. So when mi want him fi set it up fi mi, mi just buy di seasoning and come give him," Gary said.

I could scarcely tolerate the scent any longer, so I told the man that I would leave him to his meal and be on my way. He gestured a merry wave and told me that on my return, he could arrange for me to have some of the goat. I thanked him but insisted that it was not at all necessary.

Where should Robert go next? Let him know at robert.lalah@gleanerjm.com.

The following is feedback to last week's 'Roving with Lalah' on Palisadoes in Kingston:

I love that roundabout. It should remain as is. Thanks!

- T. Topey

A great read, as usual! Keep them coming!

- Gregory

Looking forward to next Tuesday already. Great work.

- GG

I think this is an issue worthy of the debate. Thanks for highlighting it, Robert.

- YT