The Third Coming

Anthony Gambrill, Contributor

"It's about time to start again," said Impoverished Peter.

"You mean our re-election campaign?" replied Mama Missionary, mother of a Nation on a Mission.

"No, that began the day after we won the last vote by conning the country into believing we could get an IMF agreement in a couple of weeks. No, I mean it's time to start again to solve Jamaica's financial problems. Or there'll inevitably be a sequestration."

"But it has to be a sequester that recognises our sovereignty and protects our voters … the poor people."

"Respect due," said Pauper Peter.

"Er, what is a sequestration anyway?" asked Mama Missionary.

"Something like castration that prevents you having any more children, therefore saving you money."

"Sort of drastic family planning for the public purse," rhymed MM with a chuckle. "What sort of drastic action do you have in mind?"

"Well, for instance, we might have to cancel your reservations at Claridges. The next time you go to London, we'll have to book you into Brixton Holiday Inn."

"Could be worse," mumbled Mama Missionary, trying to imagine what could be worse.

"Then, we will have to sell your SUV and get you a FIT."

"Aren't they small? Will Mr Miller and I fit into a FIT?"

"If it means that Moody's and Fitch desist from downgrading us to an F, you'll have to fit."

"What else can we do? Does Kern have any light bulbs?"

"Not unless Paulwell can hustle some more."

"Perhaps Trafigura can help us out?"

"Don't mention that name."

"Chávez?"

"He's dead. Remember? No, we have to use our own ingenuity," Impoverished Peter insisted.

THE HONEYPOT

"Let's reduce the number of civil servants and send them to the National Housing Trust."

"Ah, the old honeypot. The NHT claims it doesn't have enough contractors, so maybe we could get HEART to run a school for contractors for redeployed civil servants."

"That might mean changing the law," said a worried Mama Missionary.

"No problem. It's been done before," snapped PP.

"Jamaica - no problem, man," said Mama Missionary, with a smile.

"That's the spirit. But what we need is a really big idea. For instance, did you know that the medicinal marijuana industry in California is worth US$40 billion? Before you know it, they will vote in favour of recreational marijuana so … let's legalise ganja."

"No, man, my government could never advocate that … . We would lose the Church's vote. Let the PSOJ push it."

"But Roger is the man to lead the charge," said Impoverished Peter.

"Don't remind me."

"What about the diaspora?" said PP. "Instead of just sending email letters to The Gleaner, they could pay a little tax."

"They want a vote, so as the Americans once said, no representation without taxation." Impoverished Peter's mind was hoping to achieve Personal Best in revenue-raising. "Let's tax their remittances … put a duty on their barrels."

The telephone rang. Mama Missionary answered.

"Hello, Prime Minister speaking, who is that? Ministry of Foreign Affairs? What's that? A salary increase?"

Impoverished Peter jumped in. "We can't afford any pay increases."

Mama Missionary shielded the mouthpiece, "It's the ambassador. He needs it because he is in a hardship post."

"Where's that?"

"New Kingston," Mama Missionary continued speaking to the ministry official. "Sorry, but that's out of the question."

"What about saving on our coinage?" asked PP. "Since it takes a hundred Jamaican cents to buy one US cent, we could make the Jamaican cent redundant."

"Then we could sell them to tourists as souvenirs," enthused Mama Missionary.

"They are merely optics anyway."

"Only Omar knows what that means."

BRIGHT IDEA

"Here's a thought," said Pauper Peter suddenly. "Why not sell citizenships like they do in the Eastern Caribbean? Say, half a million US for a Jamaican green card … ."

"… Wait a minute," interrupted Mama Missionary, "make that an orange card."

"Got it. And we could throw in a few perks, making Fort Charles free for birthday parties and Vale Royal free for weddings."

"And a complimentary appearance by the Jamaica Defence Force band as well as Usain Bolt," replied Impoverished Peter warming to the possibilities.

"Then again, we must all make a sacrifice."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Combining a few ministries and shrink the Cabinet. Paulwell could handle Science, Technology, Energy, Mining, Labour, Trade, and, of course, Illuminations."

"Of course."

"Omar would take on Transport, Works, Housing, Water, Land Environment and Weather Forecasting. Wykeham could handle Tourism, Sport, Scamming, Culture and Miss Jamaica World."

"All the ministers without portfolios could be left not only with no portfolios but no ministries either," Pauper Peter added.

"Wait, are you talking about my bridesmaid and my nieces?"

"Well, you did say we all had to make sacrifices," PP reminded MM. "I have an idea. Let's impose a levy on the socialistas."

"The socialists?"

"God forbid! No, no. The socialistas. The ones who spend their lives getting their pictures on Page Two."

"But wouldn't that put a damper on events like polo. Sponsors need plenty of photo coverage if they are going the expense of flying in oysters from New Orleans."

"Maybe you are right. But if we can't afford chicken, we'll have to be satisfied with feathers," Impoverished Peter pointed out.

"Speak for yourself, Peter," said Mama Missionary, giving him a farewell hug, "I want to get my life back."

"I think I've heard that somewhere before. Wasn't that what the man said when his oil well caught fire in the Gulf of Mexico? Anyway, the fact is, we are faced with a Third Coming … another National Debt Exchange."

The rest, as the saying goes, is likely to be history.

Anthony Gambrill is a playwright and author. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.