Mother dearest knows best

Krysta Anderson, Outlook Writer

A mother's nurturing nature will either have her looking forward to or dreading her child's first date. And while most mothers are accepting - hoping that their offspring remember their maternal advice, some are serious in their evaluation of their children's choice of partners.

Alisa Miller, who has a close relationship with her sons, told Outlook that, for her eldest son, she went along with the relationship with his girlfriend because it was his choice. But she admits that it was difficult to tolerate her.

"I tried to be a good mother-in-law, for my son's sake. I have heard all the horror stories about wicked mothers-in-law and I wanted to be different. But she was too selfish and didn't care about making the relationship with my son work." This failure, Miller said,
manifested itself as the years progressed, and the relationship met its ultimate demise.

Counselling psychologist at Family Life Ministries André Allen-Casey notes, "A mother has first-hand experience and knowledge, so she would have an insight into relationships and would have taught her son how a woman wants to or should be treated. A mother, too, can spot a phony from a mile away, and can know whether the potential partner or lover is genuine or not."

Alexander Smith* was elated when his mother had no problems with his then girlfriend, now his wife. "They both gravitated towards each other and got along very well."

However, when he told his mother of his intention to propose, she was sceptical. "We were in our early 20s when I decided to propose, and my mother disagreed. She believed we were just too young to get married and she wanted us to wait until we were older. I think it was actually a month or two after the official engagement that she came around, and accepted my decision."

SHAKY START

For Jhan Lawrence*, the relationship between her mother and her fiancé was shaky at the beginning. "Initially, Mommy did not like my boyfriend because he did not talk much, and significantly, because he had locks. She had this ridiculous thing against locks."

However, she explained that, as he got more comfortable around her, he opened up and eventually cut his hair - "not for her [mother-in-law], of course," she added.

She was surprised that her fiancé and mother eventually hit it off so well. "I swear, he is the son she never had or something! They are so alike and get along so well. Maybe it's their similarities that led me to him in the first place, subconsciously, and I'm happy that they are at this place now."

Allen-Casey notes, "A mother's negative and positive experiences should serve as a platform to guide her child's choice in choosing a mate. While a mother is recognised as being wise, she needs to remember that her child is an adult and he or she can make his or her own choices and decisions."

But while that may be the case, Melody Moodie* felt compelled to be a constant force in her daughter's private life. "I have had to constantly be setting a high standard for my daughter in terms of the men she dates, because her self-esteem has always been less than it should be, so she settles for mediocrity, not realising that she deserves more."

Moodie notes that it has not been easy to get her daughter to realise that, and describes most of the men her daughter previously dated as 'cruffs'.

"Over time, she has improved the quality of the men she dates, paying close attention to the way they treat her, which is important to me. She has been getting men who treat her better and this current boyfriend is the best one she has had thus far."

But the psychologist points out, "The child is not an extension of the mother. The mother, therefore, should try not to live the child's life through hers by imposing her own belief system on them. Where the mother has faltered, she should not assume that the child will make the same mistake. Some mothers may feel they have to be deeply involved in the decision-making because they have been involved from birth. What they have to learn is not to be too intrusive."

He, however, recognises that sometimes it is difficult for mothers to let go.

"Most mothers disapprove of their children's unions out of fear of not letting go. The dynamics of not letting go are so vast, and can open a floodgate of implications. Letting go does not mean abandonment, which leads to emptiness, and mothers need to acknowledge and come to grips with that understanding.

"Fear of abandonment, too, does not mean the mother will be loved any less, nor does it mean that she is being replaced. It is just a different type of love being extended to their intimate partner."

The objective, Allen-Casey highlighted, is to bring about harmony for all parties involved. "All members have a responsibility to develop their old and new relationships. The child has to establish boundaries and keep them. Mothers have to learn to step back and let the child decide for his or herself. The child has to remind Mommy that she is not being replaced or abandoned, give her reassurance. Reassurance must come from the daughter- or son-in-law, who has a part to play in building a relationship with their mother-in-law."

He notes that this foundation can be formed with the basics such as how she is addressed. "Call her Mommy, whether or not she likes it, and go and look for her independent of her progeny. The mother naturally loves her child, she has to love her in-laws, too. So they have to make themselves available to be loved."

* names changed on request