Doctor's Advice: Attractive, but low self-esteem

Doc, I am told by many people that I am an attractive girl, though personally I don't feel that my appearance is good at all. Whenever I look in the mirror, I am disappointed with what I see. I feel I am rather a dull sort of person. I am 18 years old. Please do not think too badly of me, but I have had sex with quite a lot of boys so far. What is really making me fret is that I have not enjoyed it at all. Each time, I have found the whole experience real negative and uninteresting. I am sure this means that there must be something wrong with me. Could I be a lesbian? Or am I lacking in sex hormones? Could I get a hormonal blood test for that?

A: The general tone of your email suggests to me that, like many young women, you are suffering from low self-esteem. In other words, you have an irrational feeling that you are not worth very much. The fact that you think you are 'rather a dull sort of person' is typical of young females who have a lack of self-esteem. So, too, are the low feelings which you experience when you look in the mirror.

Now it is a most unfortunate fact that women who have low self-esteem will very often keep having sex with various unsuitable males. They do this because they hope that sexual intercourse will somehow make them feel more 'valued'.

Deep down, they often think that one day a guy will say 'Oh, now that I have had intercourse with you, I can see that you are a truly lovely and worthwhile girl'. Sadly, that almost never happens.

Also, it is very common for women with poor self-esteem to be unable to 'discharge'. This is mainly because they feel so bad about themselves so what they do is to go from man to man, always hoping that the next guy will magically make them have an orgasm. And that doesn't usually happen either!

From what I have said so far, you will gather that:

I don't think you are a lesbian;

I don't feel there is any chance at all that you have a 'hormone problem'

I am sure there is no point in having a blood test.

So what should you do? The first thing is to stop having sex with all these guys! That kind of sleeping around will do you no good, and it probably won't make you climax.

Second, I am sure that you should do everything you can to improve your self-esteem. There are various ways of doing this. For a start, you could book yourself a few sessions with a youth counsellor or therapist, who can give you many valuable tips for gaining a better and more realistic and 'upbeat' view of your worth as a person.

Also, it would be well worth your while looking at a website about low self-esteem originating out of the famous Mayo Clinic in America. You can assess your level of self-esteem, and get suggestions for improving self-esteem. You'll find these at: www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem

Am I turning into a woman?

Please help me, doc. I am a guy of 17, and I am sure I am developing breasts. Am I turning into a woman?

A: No, I am sure you are not. A lot of young men accumulate a little fatty tissue behind their nipples, particularly if they are overweight. Usually, the 'bosomy' appearance vanishes after a few months.

What you should do is to ask a doctor to have a look at your chest, and examine your nipples. Frankly, it is likely that he will say that you just need to lose a little weight.

Double vagina

I have always found sex with men difficult. Last week, I went to a doctor who examined me. To my horror, she told me I have some kind of double vagina. She said that this was what had been making sex so difficult. And she is sending me to a gynaecologist. But will the gynae be able to cure me? And will I be able to have children, doctor?

A: Well, a double vagina is actually quite common.

It happens because something goes wrong during the early days of pregnancy. A baby girl's internal organs are formed from two blocks of tissue, one on the right and one on the left. The two sides are supposed to 'fuse' together, but sometimes they don't. And the result is that there are two narrow vaginal 'tunnels', lying alongside each other, one on the right and one on the left.

Happily, I can tell you there is a high chance the doctor will be able to make everything okay, by means of surgery. Once that has been done, you should be able to have sex, and also to have children. Good luck to you.

Why do women need foreplay?

I want to know why girls make such a fuss about needing 'love play'. I am a guy of 21 and I have been to bed with several women. Every single one of them objected strongly to the fact that I wanted to 'get on with it' and get inside. In fact, one of them actually said that she wasn't going to have sex with me if I wouldn't give her what she called 'foreplay', which I suppose is the same thing. She got out of bed and went home, doc. So what is it all about? Why do they want us guys to do all this stuff?

A: Women are extremely keen on preliminary romance, a nice atmosphere, and gentle cuddling and kissing.

They mostly find the idea of 'instant sex' to be quite unpleasant. As it relates to 'love play' and foreplay', these two are the same thing. Most women need this sort of activity because it does two specific things:

It makes the vagina relax and open up to make room for the penis.

It makes the natural vaginal lubrication flow, so that intercourse will be much easier and more pleasurable.

So if you do not give your next partner some agreeable love play, her body will not be prepared for intercourse. And she might well decide to turn you down, just like that other young lady did.

Uneven sexual desire

I have noticed that my sexual desire varies at different times of the month, doctor. So am I abnormal? To be specific, I find that immediately before my menses I feel real 'horny'. At that time, I really have to keep a careful check on my behaviour, so that I do not let some guy seduce me. But two weeks later, I seem to have little interest in men. Explain, please!

A: You are not 'abnormal'. The 'ebb and flow' of women's hormones makes them feel sexier at certain times of the cycle. Some feel most turned-on just before menstruation, while others feel 'hottest' at ovulation time. So, do not fret.

Email questions to Doc at saturdaylife@gleanerjm.com and read more in the Outlook Magazine tomorrow