Very public privacy

By Peter Espeut

Hey! I have a constitutional right to privacy! So let me tell you what I want to do in the privacy of my bedroom. But, wait a minute! What I want to do in the privacy of my bedroom is against the law. So, hey! That is a breach of my constitutional right to privacy! The law must be repealed so that I can enjoy my constitutional right to privacy without fear that I will be breaking the law.

Doesn't my constitutional right to privacy allow me to do whatever I wish in the privacy of my bedroom? Or even in the kitchen, for that matter? How dare you try to tell me what I can and cannot do in the privacy of my home! The next thing you will be telling me is who I can and cannot do it with.

My argument and logic will apply here, too: I have a constitutional right to privacy, and any law which prevents me from doing what I want in private, with whomever and whatever I wish, is unconstitutional, and must be repealed. I am going to stand up for my rights! In the highest court in the land!

Hey! I also have a constitutional right to freedom of speech. That means that I am free to tell you exactly what I am doing in the privacy of my bedroom. Does that contradict and defeat my right to privacy? Hell, no! Even if I tell you what I am doing in the privacy of my bedroom, that does not mean that what I do there is not private. In fact, I want you to know what I do in the privacy of my bedroom. I want to be as public as possible about it, so that the law making what I do illegal, can be repealed.

Hey! Guy! You are a mischief maker to say I am contradictory and hypocritical by publicly asking for the law to be repealed on the grounds that I have a right to privacy. Even if publicly I make no secret of what I do in private, what I do privately is still private. I just want everybody to know what I do in private. It is private because they do not see me doing it.

FEARMONGERS!

You know what? You are being 'homeyphobic'! You have an irrational fear of what I might be doing in the privacy of my home.

What! How dare you call me straightophobic! I do not have an irrational fear of straight talk. I use words to mean what I want them to mean, and that includes words such as 'public' and 'private' and 'freedom' and 'normal' and 'natural' and 'equality'. Your job is to learn what I mean when I use these words, and to conform to me. Is people like me run t'ings now! We are recreating the world in our own image and likeness.

Wrong and right? Nothing is wrong or right anymore. That was in the bad old days. Nowadays, whatever I want to do - whatever I feel to do - is right for me, as long as I can find someone or some group of people to consent to do it with me. Don't you know our theme songs: 'If it feels good, do it'; 'Do it, do it, do it till you're satisfied'; 'Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop till you get enough'. The days of slavery are over! We are now free to do whatever we want, as long as we all consent.

What about the common good? That is an old-fashioned expression. What is important is me and what is good for me. Everybody must look about their own good.

What if someone asks me to kill him, or to assist him to commit suicide? Well, I would respect his right to die. You people make too much of the right to life. The right to die is just as much a right, and I will defend the right to die to the death, if necessary!

I am not a selfish person. I want everyone to do what I do in the privacy of my bedroom. If only they knew how pleasurable it was they would all want to do it in the privacy of their bedrooms. I want to ensure that everyone knows about it, and has all the information they need to do it safely - and all the equipment. And they must learn about it from as young an age as possible. Imagine all the wasted years when they could be enjoying themselves!

Imagine, indeed!

Peter Espeut is a sociologist and Roman Catholic deacon. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.