Do men 'get' or 'have' children?

By Garth A. Rattray

Whenever I ask men if they have children, some smile and respectfully try to correct me by stating that men don't 'have' children, they 'get' them. It is at this point that I always feel compelled to ascertain why men have this propensity to insist on this semantic.

It turns out that there are several layers of reasons for this particular way that most men disclose their paternal status. At the most superficial is the reasoning that men cannot physically gestate and bring forth a child. It appears to me that most Jamaican men equate 'having' a child with the process of childbirth - which is, of course, impossible.

At a deeper level is the belief that men are 'given' children that women produce for them - akin to a gift. But the story does not end there; at the very heart of this belief exists an even deeper third level. This is where many men remain suspicious that any child 'given' to them may, in fact, be sired by some other man. In other words, in their minds, women cannot be trusted and so (without a DNA paternity test), one never knows for sure.

'JACKET' PHENOMENON

It turns out that women must bear some of the responsibility for this belief. A discomforting proportion of men are wrongly fingered as the father of children born to their spouse. The statistics are embarrassing. A few years ago, a Gleaner subheadline read: 'At least 10 per cent of Jamaican men did not father children they filed for, data show'.

And, "Data from a study conducted in early 2002 by Dr Sonia King in the Pathology Department at the University of the West Indies revealed a rate of one in three. In other words, 33 per cent of all men tested were not the biological father of the child or children in their family." I have seen similar statistics coming out of Nigeria, so we are not unique.

The statistics for the United States reveal that between 1.7 and 3.3 per cent of men are not the real fathers of their child. And, of the men who get tested (usually because they suspect hanky-panky), 33 per cent of them were not the biological father of the child in question.

Assigning blame falls along gender lines. Men say that no woman can be completely trusted and that women are very good at being sneaky when cheating (giving them 'bun'). Unless they confess, they are rarely found out. So, the men continue to insist that they 'get' children. Bear in mind that a gift can be accepted or rejected. And, gifts never evoke the same emotional ties as something that you produce.

The women have their own story to tell. Theirs is a tale of woe, physical and/or emotional abuse, denial and desperation. Only a few will confess to being sexually adventurous and/or curious enough to venture outside the relationship for a dalliance. Women tend to become pregnant. If they have an option, women end up 'giving' the child to the man who they feel can best support her and her offspring.

Men run around for a multiplicity of reasons and women do the same for their own reasons. This lifestyle produces children born to prove someone's fertility, to provide acceptance in the community, to 'hold' a man and get his support (this usually fails) and as long-term economic investment.

Born with dubious paternity, produced for ulterior motives, bereft of love, used as pawns and tools and denied a healthy home environment, these children are the real victims. And, in time, some grow into cold-hearted, antisocial and vicious people who inflict pain on society. If all men 'had' (accepted, bonded with, loved and cared for) their children, Jamaica would be far better off.

Garth A. Rattray is a medical doctor with a family practice. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and garthrattray@gmail.com.