Shape like the economy

Daniel Thwaites

MAYBE PORTIA really haffi goh tek weh de phone from Dayton Campbell, who apart from mis-tweeting is the bright and shiny new member of parliament for NW St Ann. Just in case anyone doesn't know, Twitter is a social media website where one blasts out ('tweets') whatever thought-droppings might occur to you in bite sizes of 140 characters. Well right now, Dayton is being properly raked over the coals for tweeting that beauty contestant Jenaae Jackson "shape like the economy".

Now, I don't ordinarily watch beauty pageants, but that's not because I have any problem with them. Watching young women in skimpy bikinis and ridiculously high heels talk about distributing mosquito nets in Africa or global warming is absurd and therefore attractive. But I'm terrible at scheduling for television.

So having missed the event, I was encouraged by the controversy to search for some photographs of Ms Jackson. It turns out there are only three alternatives:

1. Dr Campbell needs glasses;

2. The economy in St Ann is doing spectacularly well; or

3. Dr Campbell only likes really fluffy girls.

I'm not sure which it is, but the people of Jamaica afford Dr Campbell reasonable health insurance that includes optical, and as far as I know, St Ann is doing like the rest of the country, which isn't so good. Therefore, until further evidence appears, I'm eliminating those possibilities.

REPEAT OFFENDER

So it must be that Campbell likes to fluff it up. Nutten wrong wid dat! But just because I prefer chocolate doesn't mean I dis vanilla. Again, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with fluffy. Not at all! I am suggesting, however, that Dr Campbell may expand his range.

Remember now, Dr Campbell is a repeat offender. Earlier this year he had tweeted:

"Frank Ocean man fi have ooman pon dem mind. How di hell man end up on your mind massah?? Bob done tell you say man to man is so unjust!!!"

I actually thought that was quite humorous - abusing the Marley quote, plus the spelling of 'ooman'. But a lot of other people didn't. And given that people are so goddamned ignorant as to be killing 17 year-old Dwayne Jones for cross-dressing, maybe it's not worth laughing at.

Anyway, this time Campbell apologised, saying, "After all, I am human." But I don't know how well that's going over. An incensed young lady sent me the link to his apology and said: "Politician lie eeh!" I guess she doubts he's sorry, or human.

'Carlos Danger'

This highlights the danger of giving a politician access to a smartphone, particularly one with a Twitter account. They allow you to do too much, too quickly. Compare our minor twitterstorm to the raging twitphoon engulfing Anthony Weiner's bid for mayor of New York City.

Weiner is the congressman who "mistakenly" tweeted a crotch-shot to a porn star, who in turn felt morally soiled by this brush with a politician. Then it emerged after investigation that the tweet wasn't so extraordinary after all, as Weiner had been sending pics of his twig-and-berries to many women. He was forced to resign.

This time, he was to have been through rehab, and had re-emerged as a leading candidate for mayor of NYC. But once again, he's been found sexting his little German to random women. You see, weiner-showing is like smoking in Jamaica now - it's permitted, but not in a public place. Of course, in Jamaica, if you go to Parliament and drop your drawers, they make you deputy house speaker. We do things differently here. But I digress.

'Weiner' means 'sausage' or 'male chicken' in American usage. Could his affliction have something to do with his name? Perhaps it was traumatic growing up with a name that means 'penis'. So despite his near-perfect name for online anonymity (who would guess that 'Tony D. Weiner' is a real name?) he used the handle 'Carlos Danger', which I think is culturally insensitive.

Of course, many of the other mayoral contenders and all-round decent citizens are calling for Carlos Danger to drop out. I definitely get where they're coming from. But right now, I'm hoping that he stays in and wins. There's years of comedic potential here, and it would be a complete waste to squander it. The world is dull enough as it is, and opportunities for pantomime must be clutched and treasured.

Consider a few of the jewels he's occasioned already:

"After withdrawing from public life Anthony Weiner is ready to stick it back in. Folks, that takes balls. Sadly, we know he has them." - Stephen Colbert

"Weiner said about New York, 'Nobody will work harder to make it better.' As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was 'Nobody will work better to make it harder'." - Jay Leno

"Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal. JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail." - Bill Maher

In Carlos Danger's favour, the difference between politician and celebrity, always thin, seems to be collapsing altogether. In that context, there is only notoriety, and there isn't much difference between being famous and infamous. I don't think we've quite arrived at that spot in Jamaica, but we've bought the ticket and we're on the train.

Now, I'm not suggesting to Dr Danger Campbell that he disrobes and sends out pictures of his junk. On the scale of Internet infractions, making a thoughtless remark is far better than broadcasting your parliamentarian to the world.

Pryce is right, but …

Raymond Pryce's suggestion that lobby groups be required to reveal the sources of their funding is basically sound. Various pressure groups have become features of the social and political landscape, and journalists and the public should know who pays their bills.

The problem Pryce has is one of standing. The political parties do not make their sources of funding public, and so it rings hollow to demand it from others.

I'm not pretending that this would be an easy thing for the parties to do. There's also the possibility that what little funding the parties get would dry up if donors will be publicised. That, too, could be dangerous. The political system, with all its flaws, has to function to resolve social differences and settle competing interests.

But all the same, the parties need to tidy up their own yards before, or perhaps at the same time, as they bring those requirements to other groups.

Daniel Thwaites is partner of Thwaites Law Firm in Jamaica, and Thwaites, Lungren & D'Arcy in New York. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.