Those were the days, my friends

Anthony Gambrill

I KNOW something about being old because I grew up in Victoria on Vancouver Island in British Columbia which was known as the place where golden Agers came to visit their parents. Years later when I returned to visit my mother, I made the mistake of letting her drive me to the movies.

She crept along the main highway in her venerable Morris Minor at two - sometimes three miles an hour with the traffic behind her honking their horns or swearing at the last minute as the driver avoided slamming into the back of her car. I thought it was my duty to inform her doctor that for her sake and that of Victoria's motoring public, she shouldn't be on the road - particularly in a car. He replied it was, therefore, his duty to inform the police.

SECRET FOR LIFE

Being Canadian, the traffic authorities gave my 85-year-old mother two attempts to pass their standard driving test. She failed both. After selling her car to a freshly landed Korean immigrant, she reluctantly moved into a large retirement home that provided a courtesy bus to take residents to the mall. She never took the bus and never went to the mall. Luckily for me, she never discovered that I had tipped off her doctor and she eventually went to her grave none the wiser.

When you are young, I mean really young, you have no idea that you'll die one day, let alone grow old. The realisation that you are not immortal comes to you when you get married and have a family. Although not burdened by the Chinese law limiting the number of children you can have these days, it is unlikely that your children will be able to support you when you are old enough to be unemployed.

Pensions like heterosexual marriage are rapidly becoming things of the past. This means that you will have to find a way to put gold away for your golden years. And there may be twenty or thirty of them. With a little help from someone who knows about investing for the future, you can steer your savings in the right direction. Beware of anyone who calls themselves a "wealth adviser" or it will be like seeing a doctor with a degree from an institution in rural Uzbekistan. Insurance policies will always benefit the insurance companies more than you. Insuring against early death and leaving the family pocket - as well as the heart - broken is okay. Land, preferably with houses on it, will always appreciate because as the man says, "they ain't making any more." Blue chip stocks and bonds (beware Jamaican Government) usually do well.

An unpredictable drain on your resources you could be faced with in your later years is major medical expense. Don't think that health insurance is the answer either. After I had spent a considerable sum - and not made a claim in twenty years - my local insurance company discontinued my policy when I reached 70. They said blithely that I could reapply as long as I had no "pre-existing conditions," that is high blood pressure, diabetes and so forth, all of which I had. Of course, one naïvely assumes that the purpose of health insurance is to come to your aid when you grow older and more vulnerable.

SEXUAL HEALING

Staying healthy after forty therefore should be a priority. Eating and drinking in moderation (except at Christmas), keeping your weight down, exercising moderately (do not try to run a marathon under three hours), having a blood test twice a year, taking your pills as prescribed, all of the above hopefully will reduce your chances of suffering a major medical disaster.

Good sex should also be a regular feature of successfully growing older and staying healthy in mind and body. As long as you confine sex to your existing marital arrangements it will also keep kass-kass to a minimum.

You may well find that you have reached your late sixties before you have to confront yourself with the fact that you are likely to grow old. For instance, on the London Underground, a lady stood up and offered me her seat. After I realised she was speaking to me - barely sixty-five - I politely declined.

There will be other manifestations of growing old. You watch TV reruns. You tell the same joke twice to the same person. Names aren't as easy to remember although faces still seem familiar. Your taste in music changes (you love rock steady, you dislike dancehall).

Before your working career comes to an end, prepare for the time you will soon have on your hands. It's the perfect time to take on some voluntary work in your community although beware of bureaucrats who will think you are interfering. The "in" thing these days is mentoring young people and nothing could be more satisfying. Take up a serious hobby, for instance, making furniture. Babysit the grandchildren. Paint the kitchen. Keep chickens. Get to know your own country better. If there is something you always promised yourself you would do or somewhere you would go, go for it. Keep a dog and you'll always have a friend for the times when your wife (or husband) isn't speaking to you.

CELEBRATIONS OF LIFE

Of course, all good things have to come to an end as you will acknowledge the more contemporaries' funerals you attend. Take no notice of Yogi Berra's advice - go to other people's funerals or they won't come to yours! Plan a cheerful "Celebration of Life" as they call it. If you can get away with it, write your own eulogy or you might be like the recent widow who, on hearing the eulogy being given, she asked her daughter, "Who is he talking about?"Make sure to include something that your celebrants will remember you by. I am expecting Peter Ashbourne's aggregation to accompany my ashes out of the church with that rousing song, "Those were the days my friends, we thought they'd never end."

Anthony Gambrill is a playwright and author. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.