Only-child syndrome

Krysta Anderson, Gleaner Writer

Many dream about meeting their soulmates, settling down and having children. For some, that reality stops at only one child. Having only one child may be based on economics, biology or personal choice. Having only one child means more attention for that child, and because of this, the child may grow up requiring more in social and intimate relationships, and can become isolated and introverted. They may also transform into overachievers, but the thought of leaving the nest, whether by the child or parents, may be a very difficult concept to grasp.

The only-child syndrome is a psychological disorder which affects an only child and the parents of that child. According to child psychologist Joan Pinkney, common to the only-child syndrome is overprotectiveness, 'privileged' or 'prime' behaviour, as well as the unwillingness to let go. She argued that while they were not specific to an only child, the elements are often heightened, based on the nature of that relationship.

Pinkney explains, "If the child does not have both parents together, separately they tend to overcompensate by making sure he or she has everything."

Kevin Williamsknows all about the common components of the only-child syndrome. He is an only child and, at an early age, his parents separated. They both gave him their all, and he did not want for anything.

"Children are either exposed to a permissive parenting style, where the child dictates what happens in the household, or to authoritarian parenting, where the parents are very strict," explains Pinkney. Williams experienced both - authoritarian in his former years, and is currently going through the permissive stage. "My mother was very strict as it related to academia, and I was forced to buckle down and focus on my studies. I even went on lockdown in the latter years of high school. The focus was all on me, so both my mother and father pushed me and spent a lot on extra lessons," recalls Williams. He pointed out that, if he had other siblings, the time, energy and money would not have been concentrated solely on him.

Now a lawyer, 26-year-old Williams has a major say in what goes on within the household. While his mother was stern on scholastic pursuits, he was privileged to not have responsibilities in the household, an arrangement which still stands today as his mother continues to take care of him at home, catering to all his needs.

"An only child may suffer from the overprotective nature of the parents, who are usually so happy that the one child is there that they try their best not to upset their pride and joy. In doing so, the child often gets his or her own way, and is 'prime' in that regard," Pinkney highlighted. Williams admitted that while he did not get into much trouble at home, he was 'straightforward' in what he wanted. He was for the most part, however, a reclusive child. "I did grow up with imaginary friends. I never had many friends, and did not care to have many either. It got lonely sometimes, but I learned to enjoy my own company. Being an only child causes you to rely on yourself a lot."

William did not realise he was so selfish until he became romantically involved, "Because I am 'privileged', I find that it negatively affected my standings in intimate relationships. You have to give attention instead of getting it all the time, and I was not accustomed to that. Compromise was also an area I had no expertise in, and I failed miserably."

He has expressed his desire to leave home, but his mother has advised him to remain until he has completes his master's degree (which he has not started yet). This, he believes, is a stalling tactic, but he continues to work with it until he completes his master's, as he truly feels comfortable in his 'castle'.

Pinkney notes that, "some parents don't let go at all, while the only child may not know how to move on, in the fear that mommy or daddy won't be there to provide that security."

Amy Frenchmanis currently experiencing a very good authoritarian relationship with her only child. Pickney explains that authoritarian behaviour can mean that the child has a good relationship with the parent. The child could be viewed as precocious, knowing their boundaries, but expressing themselves freely. But she cautions that they could become social misfits.

The single mother admitted to Outlook that originally, she did not want children. But that changed when she had her daughter Sara.

"She requires a lot of attention, so I am both mommy and friend," notes Frenchman. Her five-year-old daughter is now in school and is known as the 'mummy' in her class. She has told her mother she would like to become a lawyer and Frenchman explains to her that, in order to be a lawyer, she has to read a lot. Sara now walks around with a book. She shares everything with her mother, which includes a request to have a brother and sister. When that situation presents itself, she tells her daughter to play with her cousins.

Mother of one, Shanoy Coombs, notes that she would like to have more children. She explains that she always wanted to have two children and that her five-year-old daughter Kai is already quite lonely. "I grew up with siblings who made my life hell, and while I made theirs so in return, they were my protectors and were very good company. Now that we are grown, I love the camaraderie and being able to say 'Hey, let's go by Uncle Wesley or Aunty Semone', and I want Kai to have that."

Names changed upon request