Dear doc: A man with two 'wives'

Good day, Doc. I am a guy who is kind of stuck in a dilemma. Last year, I got married for the second time. My new wife is a lovely lady and we are very happy. My ex-wife is still in the old family house, which is around 60 miles away. We had no children, so she is on her own. We are on good terms. And as she is rather lonely, I have taken to 'popping in' about once a fortnight to make sure that she is all right. Well, on one of these visits, just after last Christmas, she and I ended up in bed together. I have to say that it was a real nice experience. And she was delighted. Since then, I have had sex with her around every couple of weeks. No one else knows about this, so please do not publish anything that could identify me! Don't misunderstand me, Doc. I love my present wife dearly. And she loves me. We have sex a lot, and it is great. But it is a different experience from making love with my first wife. So in many ways, I am a pretty contented guy. But I am wondering how long this pleasant state of affairs can go on? In your experience, Doc, is it possible for a guy to continue having a happy sexual relationship with both his first and his second wife?

Well, I have known a number of men who have tried it. It nearly always went wrong! As far as I can recall, the guy who had most success was one who managed to have wives in two different countries. I think it was a case of one wife in Canada, and the other in the Cayman Islands. Fortunately for him, the two ladies were unlikely to meet up.

As it relates to you, I think you are 'playing with fire'. You are having sex with two women, one on the north of the island, and the other on the south coast. That is not very far apart, and it is quite possible that the two ladies have mutual acquaintances. So there is a high chance that your real wife will find out about your adulterous relationship with her predecessor. When that happens, there is going to be BIG trouble.

Also, I think you should consider the psychological effects on these two women. When your new wife hears about your affair with the other lady, she is going to be real distraught.

And have you paused to consider the emotions of your ex-wife? You doubtless assume that sex with her is just a bit of fun, with no strings attached. But women think about sex in a very different way from men! So it is highly likely that she believes that her regular bedtime encounters with you are proof that you still really love her.

Indeed, she probably thinks that before long you will return to her, and remarry her. I expect she dreams that you are planning to divorce your second wife fairly soon!

The potential for distress and misery here is very great. So my advice to you is simply to give up seeing your first wife before all hell breaks loose.

A famous psychotherapist once said that a cardinal rule of divorce is this. 'no sex with your ex!'

How wise those words are.

I am having a problem with the menses and I am not sure if it is serious or not. When my last period came, which was a month ago, it lasted 10 days. It was painful. And I am still losing a little blood. Also, when I press down on the lower part of my belly, I can feel the pain. I am sexually active, but I don't do it often, and the last time was two months ago. My boyfriend doesn't always use condoms, but we have now decided to employ them in future, because I don't wish to get pregnant and he wants the best for me.

Something has definitely gone wrong in the womb, and you must get yourself examined by a doc to find out what it is.

There are several possibilities here, but in view of the fact that you have sometimes had unprotected sex, there has to be a chance that you got pregnant and that all this bleeding and pain is due to a miscarriage.

So please do not delay. See a doctor right away.

I get intense soreness and itching of the penis whenever I use a condom. Is this an allergy, Doc? And if so, what can I do about it? I like sex with my wife a lot, and so does she. So we don't want to give it up.

Yes, this is an allergy. Quite a sizeable minority of guys are allergic to the latex in standard condoms. The symptoms are just as you describe, and they last for several days. In severe cases, which are fortunately rare, the man actually collapses, with his chest going 'fee-fee'.

What you should do now is to get yourself some 'low-allergy' condoms. If you Google the words 'condom allergy', you will immediately have access to over two million sites, many of which will be offering to sell you non-latex brands. Some of those condoms are manufactured from synthetic materials like polyurethane, while others are made from lambs' intestines.

An alternative would be for your wife to start using the female condom, which is on sale in pharmacies throughout Jamaica. It contains no latex, so it would not give you problems.

I think that I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I am 30-plus years old and I strongly feel that I fit the bill of this disorder. I am faced with chronic boredom, especially with my job, and have feelings of physical and mental fatigue. So I would like to know where in Jamaica I can get assessed for ADHD.

Well, people with ADHD usually have some of the following symptoms:

Impulsiveness;

Inattention;

Excessive physical and mental activity;

Recklessness;

Poor time management;

Emotional overarousal;

Social problems, like debt and addiction.

Really, that doesn't sound very like you at all. But maybe you do have some psychological problems. So if you want to have your mind assessed by a specialist, then I would recommend that you try to see someone at the Psychiatric Department of the University Hospital of the West Indies. I wish you well.

At the age of 29, I am considering going on the Pill. But I do not understand two things: 1. When do I start taking it? 2. I know there is a 'Pill-free break' each month, but could I get pregnant during that time?

You start taking the first pack on the first day of your menses.

And you will be totally protected during the monthly 'break', provided that you have not missed any Pills.