Doctor's Advice - My husband is reserved in bed

Q. Dear Doc, I have a concern with my husband. You see he is very reserved when it comes to making love. Most times, I am the one who has to initiate sex. However, once we start, it does go very well. I know for a fact that he is faithful to me. Should I just conclude that not all men behave the same, and that some are pretty reserved on this topic?

A: Yes, you are right. Admittedly, a lot of men are 'initiators' where sex is concerned, and are keen to hug and kiss their partners, followed by helping them undress.

But there are quite a few who are very restrained, and often very shy, and not as 'forward'. With those men, it is perfectly reasonable for women to take the lead and make it clear that they want sex. So what you are doing is just fine.

Q. Doctor, I am a happily married woman and a successful executive, but my mind is in a whirl and I don't know what to do. Earlier this year, I was on an important business trip to Toronto and I had some meetings with a very charismatic Canadian man and his staff. It went very well, on the last day, he asked me to have lunch with him and a few of his colleagues. In fact, the 'colleagues' never turned up at lunch, so it was just the two of us. He plied me with wine and compliments, saying how well I had negotiated in the meetings and how elegant and attractive I looked. When we parted, he surprised me by kissing me, and I was astonished to feel that a firm erection was pressing against my thigh.

I left and came home to Jamaica and my dear husband, whom I love a lot. A few months went by and then I had a call from him, inviting me to speak at a meeting that he is organising in New York. I was very flattered. After checking with my employers and my husband, I said I would go. It would be just for one night. Then I got a text from him. It was written in very warm and intimate terms. He said he could not wait to see me again and it finished up in English and in French with the words: 'My darling, I look forward to dinner et le reste'. What should I do, doctor? This speech could be very important for my career. However, I have a nasty suspicion that this man is hoping to get me into bed.

A: I'll say he is! There is not the slightest doubt that this man is planning to seduce you in New York. I presume you are aware that the French words 'et le reste' mean 'and the rest'. In this context, they almost invariably imply sexual intercourse.

You say that you are happily married and that you love your husband. If that is so, it would not be very wise of you to go to this meeting and have dinner with this man. I suspect that he has invited you to make this speech so that he can have a try at your virtue. But if you really believe that giving it would be vital for your career, then I have only one suggestion and it is this: take your husband with you.

Q. I am a male living in England and my British girlfriend has suggested that I take a vasectomy operation. I am willing to do this, Doc. But would it be easy to 'reverse' it if I decide that I wanted more children?

A: A vasectomy is a very common operation in England. The surgeon sterilises the man by cutting through the two 'sperm tubes' which come upwards through his scrotum.

Frankly, it is best to regard this procedure as irreversible. Surgeons do often try to reverse it when men change their minds about having children. But the results are not good.  So no man should ever take a vasectomy operation unless he is very certain that he will never want any more children.

Q. I find that, not always but sometimes, there is an odour coming from my vagina. I have been to the doctor several times, and the usual response I get is: 'It's bacterial vaginosis'. I am then prescribed an antibiotic. That sometimes works, but then the smell returns after a few months. I have tried using feminine wipes and washes, plus Vagisil and Summer's Eve. But I am still having the problem. I am 34 years old and sexually active. Please help as I am not sure what to do.

A: Sorry to hear about this. If you really have bacterial vaginosis, then neither Vagisil nor Summer's Eve is going to cure it.

Bacterial vaginosis is very common. It's an inflammation located deep inside the vagina. The main symptom is a white, grey or yellow discharge, which is accompanied by a 'fishy' odour. It doesn't cause itching or soreness.

The diagnosis should be made by sending samples to the lab, and I hope your doctor has done that. It is treated with a drug called metronidazole, also known as 'Flagyl'. That usually cures it. Have you been given Flagyl? If not, then I suggest you try it when you next get an attack.

Other things you can do to help prevent recurring attacks:

• Don't douche;
• Don't 'sleep around';
• Don't wear thongs - which are believed by some doctors to spread the infection from the anus to the vagina.

If this problem doesn't clear up, please email me again.

Q. I am a young man who has phimosis, which is a tight foreskin, plus a strange white patch which seems to be spreading over the head of my penis. I feel that I can't have a sexual relationship at the moment, because I fear that women would be put off by its appearance.

A: Sounds like you have an inflammation of the head of the penis, which is called 'balanitis xerotica obliterans' or 'BXO'.

You must consult a doctor right away so he can have a good look at the phimosis (tightness) and the strange white patch. If the problem is indeed BXO, it can probably be successfully treated with steroid creams. I wish you well.

Q. Doc, I think my wife is cheating on me. I came home last week and found a whitish stain on her night-gown, which I suspect is another man's seminal fluid. So I cut out the stained piece of cloth and kept it as evidence. How could I get it analysed?

A:This would be very difficult. There is a Police Forensic lab on Hope Boulevard in Kingston, but I don't know if they would take on private work.  Bear in mind that this stain may not be seminal fluid. And if it is, it could be yours.  Your best course would be to seek marriage counselling.