A spoiled child

Krysta Anderson, Gleaner Writer

Children are seen as blessings to many parents, recognised for bringing a sense of purpose and fulfilment. With November being Parents' Month, it is fitting that the spoiled-child syndrome is examined.

Psychologist and author Joan Pinkney explains that the term coined by Bruce McIntosh is characterised by "excessive self-centred and immature behaviour, the lack of consideration for others, temper tantrums, the need to have their own way, being obstructive and manipulative, resorting to crying or yelling when they want something, wanting whatever everyone else has, keeping a messy room, never helping out around the house, and refusing to go to bed as scheduled".

Mother of two, Dorothy Lopezadmits that her children are spoilt, but her firstborn lashed out, suffering from chronic spoiled child syndrome. "As a parent, I tried to give my children everything to make them comfortable. But, children tend to take things for granted and always ask for more, whether financially or emotionally." She continued, "I used to tell my daughter that she really needed to see people who are actually suffering because she wouldn't get so caught up in the idea that she had the worst life ever. No matter what her father and I said, she did what she wanted to do and was not afraid to elaborately express her anger."

Pinkney noted, "McIntosh attributed the foregoing behaviours to "the failure of parents to enforce consistent, age-appropriate limits and boundaries". Pickney notes that some children take this syndrome to a higher level, "They order their parents around in public, ignore parents' instructions, verbally and physically abuse them, instil fear through threats e.g. threatening to report them to authorities about (unfounded) abuse, and threatening to leave home or to commit suicide if they do not get their way."

As a counselling psychologist, Pinkney contends that parents or guardians who indulge in spoiling their children are those who:

Had children in their later years or are grateful to finally have children

Want to give their children all they did not get during their childhood

Want to prevent children from the abuse and suffering which they endured as children

Want to keep their children happy, to be their pals and be loved by them

Want to show the Jones' that they are capable of providing for their children

Are not ready for parenting/not aware of proper parenting skills

Give in to children in order to stop the crying and whining

Are overly protective of children with a disability or an ongoing illness.

While some parents blame the systems in society, others embrace guilt and self-blame or blame their parents for not being proper role models for them, Pinkney said. But regardless of how parents may react, they must come to grips with it and commit to take back control from their children.

Twenty-seven-year-old Jacob Morgan, who still resides at home with his mother, came to the conclusion in the latter years of his life that he was indeed a spoiled child. "I am spoiled, especially emotionally, and I loved doing things my own way. My parents would pay for extra lessons in math, and the teacher would discipline his students and I was not about that life. So when my mother dropped me off, as she turned the corner, so did I. I would then return just in time for her to pick me up. Suffice it to say, I failed math. I was spoiled financially until I began repaying my student loan."

But the dynamics shifted when it came to his father, "For my parents, I was the only one for my mother, but I was one of three for my father - one overseas, one living in the rural area, while I was living in Kingston. I know my half-brother thought I was really spoiled, because my father lived in Kingston and so did I, so I grew up with my father. He spent more time with me and, therefore, spent more money on me. My brother rarely got to see him, and when he did, my father would carry me along with him on his trips, so the quality time was shared, so to speak."

As a teenager, he revealed that he acted out during these visits because his father and half brother shared so many common interests. He thought his father wanted to spend more time with him and loved him more. "Now I realise that I was the more fortunate one of the two."

A balance, Pinkney affirms, is necessary as parents must learn how to manage the parent-child relationship which encourages emotional closeness, boundaries, friendship, respect, and trust.

She provides 10 steps to prevent/curb the spoiled-child syndrome.

1. Commit yourself to stop spoiling your children.

2. Replace empty threats with clear, calm, concise instructions.

3. Be prepared for their resistance.

4. Avoid rescuing or overprotecting your children.

5. Stay on track.

6. Teach them social skills.

7. Ensure children get proper rest, nutrition and stimulation.

8. Spend quality time with your children.

9. Give compliments to children when they are doing the right thing

10. Be an example to your children.

Name changed upon request