The dangers of overprotective parenting

Jody-Anne Lawrence, Gleaner Writer

Parents mean well and even in the wild they feel the need to protect their young until it is time for them to face life and the world on their own. However, there is a thin line between being a concerned, cautious, protective parent and an overprotective controlling one.

Lydia Fullerwas raised in a traditional nuclear family and she was the last of three children. After having two previous children, she thought her parents could have been more relaxed in their parenting styles.

"I did not do sleepovers, I didn't go to study groups, and was dropped off and picked up from school to university," Fuller told Outlook.

She considers herself the poster child for overprotective parents. Though this was done in love, according to psychologist Joan Pinkney, this behaviour might be working against the child instead of for them.

PREY TO PEER PRESSURE

According to Pinkney, "Children may be so glad to be with peers that they become easy prey to peer pressure. They may not be able to interact with confidence and they feel like misfits."

However, the lack of confidence with communication would not be synonymous only with their interaction with peers, but also adults. This, Fuller admits, is something she suffers from.

"I was incredibly shy and still am. It is OK for me to do things in groups, but while in school, if I was supposed to do something like a small presentation in front of my class, I would panic and everything would just get fuzzy. Sometimes I would forget what I would have to say. I liked group presentations because then I would take on most of the ground work and research and then just let someone else present," she explained.

Pinkney noted that, when children are so sheltered, they may become dependent and always need someone to take care of them and help them to make decisions.

Though Fuller admits that she was hesitant to make decisions on her own, she was not sure if she would say that she needed to be taken care of. She wanted her freedom more than anything and when she finally got some at the age of 20 (she could go out with friends to the movies), it was not all it was cut out to be, but she was so glad she had it.

Pinkney notes that children with overprotective parents may have very low social skills. "Being overprotective may cause them to have low social skills and can lead to low self-confidence and self-esteem. It may also lead them to become needy and compromise correct behaviour to be accepted. Children may have feelings of depression and even suicide," the psychologist explained.

DEEP DEPRESSION

In relaying her experience, Fuller notes, "I was never suicidal. I guess it was because of certain Christian beliefs, but I did suffer from depression. However, I went and got counselling because there were times that the smallest things would just overwhelm me. I knew that there was no way that I could function like that."

She admitted that at times she did compromise some strong beliefs not to fit in, but rather to feel like she had some control over her life and her mistakes. It did not matter that it was not what she would normally do, it just mattered that it was not something she was told to do by her parents.

However, looking back, she does admit she understands why certain steps were taken by her parents. Now in her late 20s, she is able to talk to her parents. She realises that it was never truly about her, it was about her parent's fear of what was happening around them and that she was their last child, and they did not want anything to happen to her.

Why are parents so overprotective?

Pinkney explains that there are a number of factors that lead to this breakdown in parenting. She notes that one of the factors is that parents are afraid that the children will make the same mistakes they did, and they fear that something would happen to hurt their child as no one can protect them more than they can.

But Pinkney notes that part of learning is experiences and children should be given some freedom so that they can experience life, learn from their mistakes, and make decisions on their own.

Pinkney gave some tips that parents should use to parent their children but not smother them. Parents should never stop parenting but there is a line between parenting and controlling.

(1) Accept that you are overprotective; this behaviour is a result of other problems.

(2) Manage the need to be too cautious and overprotective.

(3) Examine why this behaviour may have started.

(4) Teach the child in their years to make decisions.

(5) Teach problem-solving skills.

(6) Teach child how to be independent.

(7) Know how to let go at varying stages of development.

(8) Give the child appropriate space.

(9) Allow him to make his own mistakes - be there to guide.

(10) Empower and praise the child in successful tasks and encourage and motivate when there is failure.

Names changed on request