New year, new beginnings
Published:Sunday | January 5, 2014 | 12:00 AM
Krysta Anderson, Gleaner Writer
The year 2014 is just a few days old and many have already begun the promising year by implementing their New Year's resolutions.
A few persons are still picking up the pieces from the broken relationships of 2013 and looking forward to 2014, hopeful that they can make amends and a fresh start.
One such person trying to let go for 2014 is Aisha Mendez. In a recent interview with Outlook, the 24-year-old confessed that she has had a bittersweet relationship with her mother for quite some time, but by far, 2013 was the worst.
The love/hate saga between mother and daughter was exacerbated after Mendez revealed that she wanted to stop studying for her second degree and instead earn a living from her first degree by working full-time.
"After many years of coaxing and coercing, I just gave in. I discovered during my studies the second time around that I lacked the drive and passion. It was then that I decided enough was enough and I had to end this."
Her mother was naturally furious with her decision and fought her every step of the way to change her mind to do things her way. That drove an even greater wedge between them.
According to counselling psychologist Olive Ellis, "For children who have had strained or broken relationships with their parents, the New Year offers hope and an opportunity to make things right again. There isn't anything more painful to a child or parent than a damaged or strained relationship, which is sometimes caused by misunderstandings on both sides."
To level the playing field, Mendez announced that if she was going to continue her degree, she would not do so in Jamaica. "I had a choice, either I attend university in Jamaica, subjecting myself to solitary confinement, or travel abroad to school and be able to freely pursue my studies and live my life."
This solitary confinement included having little to no social life, with an early curfew designed only to fit her class and work schedules. She was not allowed to attend events or pursue desired extra-curricular activities, as she needed to tend to the domestic aspect of the home. She even had to take on the financial responsibilities of the household, including her siblings, and all the while being constantly belittled by her mother for never doing enough.
TOO MUCH LOVE
Ellis noted, "Well-intentioned love and overprotection by parents can sometimes stifle and overwhelm the children, making some of these high expectations and preconditions seem unattainable. When this happens, the relationship can become strained. Older children will sometimes leave 'the nest' in search of freedom and the chance to make their own decisions. For some, it is only after being away for a while that the child will be able to 'tolerate' the parent(s) somewhat."
That seems to be what happened in Mendez's case. "I needed the change, because according to my mother, nothing that I do is ever good enough. I needed time away from them to reclaim some amount of freedom and they needed time away from me to know what it is like not having me around," revealed Mendez.
Mendez checked in with her family, who were almost in shambles after her departure. Other siblings had to pitch in at home, and she noted, "My mother's anger was finally being directed at the right persons."
Three months later, Mendez returned home for Christmas and was surprised that her family was actually excited to see her, particularly her mother. "I'm happy to be back home and elated to spend time with my family," she said.
She pointed out too that absence made the heart grow fonder as her mother has been nicer to her, showing a little more appreciation for all that she had done. She hopes that they can make amends and a fresh start.
According to Ellis, "A fresh start begins with letting go of the problems and baggage of the past. When you 'let go' of the negative things in your life, you then create the space for new opportunities so that you can move on and not repeat the same mistakes. You will also find that place in your heart to forgive, forget, and be forgiven."
Name changed upon request.
Ellis provided useful ways to rebuild relationships with parent(s):
1. Check your heart. Have you contributed to the difficulties in the relationship?
2. Change the way you perceive your parent/s.
3. Say 'I'm sorry'. Be sincere.
4. Forgive. Do not bring up the past mistakes unless it is to clarify a situation. Let it go afterwards.
5. Show maturity.
6. Say 'I love you'. Say it, show it, and mean it.
Parents:
1. Listen to your children and give their opinions respect and consideration.
2. Learn to say 'I'm sorry'. Recognise when you have made a mistake.
3. Allow your children to grow their wings and learn to fly.
4. Allow them to make mistakes, as this is the only way they will grow.
5. Discipline your children, set boundaries, be consistent.
6. Say 'I love you' as often as possible.