2014: year in revue

Anthony Gambrill, Contributor

Let's get the serious stuff out of the way first. As Jamaica enters the second year of its IMF haataklaps (Carolyn Cooper's spelling, and phonetically respectable, too), we had better make sure that Messrs Peter Phillips, Ronnie Thwaites and Mark Golding stay in their respective drivers' seats.

Their vision, competence and determination are absolutely essential if Jamaica is to correct the politically fuelled self-indulgence we have wallowed in for 40 years.

Now for 2014 in revue ... in no particular order.

• THE YEAR OF THE K

Already we have had three runs-for-fun and runs-for-funding suggesting that the road race madness that swamped us last year is back. There might even be a 2k in St Thomas if they can find 2k of road in that parish fit enough for running on.

• CONTINUING SAGAS

Worldwide

Muslims vs Christians

Sunni vs Shia

Arabs vs Israeli

Al-Qaida vs Everyone

Belfast Catholics vs Belfast Protestants

Locally

Clovis vs Roger Clarke

JTA vs Minister of Education

Philip Paulwell vs Reality

Diana McCaulay vs The Politicians

Everald Warmington vs People of South West

St Catherine

• CONTRACT KILLERS

They will be forming an association this year with the main objective of increasing the basic price for a contract killing of $500 (as reported in The Gleaner). They protest that this amount is inadequate to cover their babymother's shoes, gun rental and ticket to Sumfest.

• CAVITY SEARCHES

The Immigration Department will be holding seminars and demonstrations for passengers flying to Barbados to familiarise them with what to expect when they land in Bridgetown.

Ms Myrie will be the guest speaker.

• TO BE CONTINUED

(and soon forgotten)

Cuban light bulb scandal (2007)

Trafigura (2006) donation to the PNP

Vybz Kartel murder case (2011) FINSAC commission (2008)

Tivoli enquiry (2010)

Report on the December 2009 crash of AA Flight 331.

This one is a classic example of intransigence. The report from the Jamaica Civil Aviation Authority was promised for March 2010. It is now expected for release to the public by the end of March 2014, four years late. How about this for waffle? The JCAA says, "... The current investigation has been impacted by intense, but beneficial involvement from a foreign jurisdiction and external agencies, each with varying protocols, processes and interests." Meanwhile, many, many months ago, American Airlines offered lump sums to passengers on Flight 331 as long as they kept their mouths shut.

• COLLECTIONS

At the beginning of last year, the National Water Commission (NWC) reported that at least a million customers in inner-city communities islandwide were not paying for the water they used. In fact, $3.5 billion worth. This year, NWC collectors will be driven in armed personnel carriers carrying men with Kalashnikovs.

• VIOLENCE IN SCHOOLS

It is anticipated that the Jamaica Defence Force will be deployed at school gates to frisk students for guns, knives, scissors, ice picks, nail files. These will be shipped to Florida in exchange for the weapons the folks shipped to Jamaica.

• LEGISLATION

A record 40 bills were drafted and passed by our parliamentarians in 2013. The typical annual amount in the past has been half that. With the IMF on our case, we are aiming at passing for at least 30 in 2014.

• ENTERTAINMENT

After Tessanne, what next? 2014 will no doubt bring on its own surprises. But no surprise that murder music, vigorously endorsed by a member of the executive, will continue. Among the lyrics of which the official apparently approved in 2013 were "witness disappear a mi preference," "no bwoy nuh try fi report the bad bwoy," "mi own di jury before den introduce one" and "big gun! small gun! short gun! tall gun! any gun! gimme gun! Fy hole dead!"

• KEYS TO THE CITY

Although the prime minister travelled extensively in 2013, she never stayed long enough to accept keys to the city. In 2014, she will receive the keys to the cities by mail - Caracas, Tokyo, Beijing, Johannesburg, etc.

• TRACK

Usain Bolt and Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce will give all those they compete against a three-yard start.

• CURBING CRIME

Taking a leaf out of the ancient Greek playbook, Jamaican wives and girlfriends of local gunmen will withhold sexual favours until their men turn in their weapons.

• IMPROVING OUR WORLD RANKINGS

Difficult tax destination - 168th

Reception of corruption - 83rd

Legalising marijuana - 135th

Happiest country in the world - 40th

Energy accessibility - 112th

Country with the most US deportees - 10th

• 2014 on STEROIDS

Our athletes - no way

Jamaica Labour Party - a must

New beauty queen contests

Miss Solid Waste Management

Miss Dump-Up Beach

Miss Gordon House

Miss Ken Jones Airport

Miss May Pen Cemetery

Lowering the road accident rate

All taxi drivers to retake their driving test.

Add 'dark yellow' traffic lights to follow 'yellow' and precede 'red'.

Prosecute drivers for passing at stop signs.

Firing squad for accidents caused by overtaking.

Road map to legalising ganja

Informative seminars

Parish consultations

Government select committees

Religious bodies' submissions

Bipartisan commission

Overseas consultants

Action plan

Deferment subject to comprehensive review for undefined period and the seeking of approval from the US government.

Anthony Gambrill is a playwright and author. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.