Forming the ass with big butts

Mills Blake, Guest Columnist

I read with interest the Sunday Gleaner story 'Big butts equal big brains - Study finds that larger buttocks make for healthier, smarter women', published January 26, 2014.

I had often wondered about my own progress in life but I never got to the bottom of things because the big people taught me from early days to be discreet about It, to pay little attention to It, to keep It always covered and controlled by wearing a girdle and by not drawing attention to It, not even in dance.

In my day, a woman would not wiggle her bottom in public much more to hoist herself on a motorbike in a 'rider', for she had to be ladylike and ensure she could get to use the things she stored in her bottom drawers. Then again, Mr Editor, the bottom of the body was spoken about in a quiet respect, and any low-down person who said 'by' in public was immediately 'castergated' and 'posterised' and had the chance of dying a social outcast. (Excuse the new words).

Silent Campaign

One day, in the 1960s or thereabout, there was a silent campaign and girdles disappeared in the garbage dump. After that, the bottoms of the buckets fell out and now female rear ends have been analysed and parsed and newspaper articles headline big-bottomed women as brighter? What is this world coming to?

I've always had a bottom-line problem for I was always straight, up and down. My own brothers joined in calling me, 'Six o' clock'. At age 19, I decided to exercise and went to work. When nobody was looking, I'd stand in front of the mirror and swing my arms out and in and as fast as I could say: "I must, I must, I must develop my bust." Every day I'd swing out my arms as fast and as far back as they could go, and weeks went into months as I pushed out my chest and swung my arms and said, "I must."

I stopped, forever, when my uncle greeted me at a big family funeral. Instead of commenting on my lovely new, black dress, as I had expected, he boomed, "Babs, when did you develop those powerful biceps? Wow!'"

I felt bad. The wrong area got the muscles, but this time I'll get an implant, for I want to be successful, too. Please let us know when the PhD scholars defend their findings on the big-bottomed men.

Bye for now. Bottoms up! Oops?

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