Dear Doc: His wife wants an 'open marriage'

Q A pleasant day to you, Doctor. I am a Kingston businessman and I have been married for 10 years. In fact, our anniversary was last month.

I thought our relationship was going pretty well, but last week, my wife astounded me by saying that she wants us to 'take a fresh look at it'. I asked her what she meant and she told me where she had been considering the idea of an 'open marriage'.

I was not too clear about what this meant, but I looked it up on Wikipedia. Their article made it clear to me that what my wife was saying was that she wishes to have sex with other people whenever she wanted to. I was real stunned because, to be honest, Doc, I do not want to have sex with other women. I love my wife.

Could you give me your opinion? Are there medical or other dangers in having an 'open marriage'.

A Sorry to hear about all this. The term open marriage originated in the United States in the early 1970s, which was a time when there was a lot of 'free love' going on. It was far more popular in America than anywhere else.

The basic idea was that a couple remained married to each other, but each of them had sexual relationships with other folk. A lot of people (particularly men) liked this idea. However, when new sexually transmitted diseases, namely herpes and AIDS, arrived, the idea of open marriage became a rather less appealing prospect.

What interests me about your letter is this. Why has your wife suddenly decided that she wants an open marriage? Did the 10-year wedding anniversary 'fire off' something in her mind? Does she think that life is rather boring for her, particularly in the bedroom? Does she feel that she wants to experience some other guy's 'technique' between the sheets? In fact, has she already have a boyfriend that you don't yet know about? Or, and this is less likely, does she perhaps have 'the hots' for some other woman?

As it relates to you, it doesn't sound as though you want to play around with other people. So the idea of an open marriage seems to have no advantages as far as you are concerned.

Now you ask me whether there are any medical dangers in an open marriage. And of course there are. People pick up sex infections, and then give them to their spouses. I recall one occasion when a whole 'open marriage group' all got gonorrhoea, which wasn't too nice for them.

Also, if you're not very careful, an open marriage may lead to a wife getting pregnant by some other guy and having his baby. That is not too easy for a husband to cope with.

Speaking of children, you don't say whether you and your wife have any. But I must warn you that open marriage set-ups can be real distressing for the children. I remember in particular one case in which a young boy became antisocial and got into big trouble at school, largely because he could not cope with the idea that his mother and father were regularly bring home other bed partners for the night.

Well, you can see that I think the idea of an open marriage is a pretty poor one. You say you love your wife, and maybe she still has some love for you. So if you want to keep this marriage going, I urge you to ask her to agree to spend a few months in intensive marital counselling with you. Without prompt remedial action, I fear that this relationship is going to end up in divorce. Good luck to you.

Q. I am female, age 43, and have just formed an exciting new relationship with a guy after 10 years alone and without sex. Do I still need to use contraception at my age?

A. Yes! Most ladies who are in their early 40s are fertile, though they may not ovulate every single month. So you could easily get pregnant by your new guy, unless one of you uses some contraception.

Q.. Dear Doc, I am female and I have been experiencing uncomfortable itching from my head to my toes for seven years. It is worse when my period is near. My doctor has given me medications, but they only work for a few days.

My skin also gets a lot of raised patches called 'wheals' on it. I went to two dermatologists and they both told me that what I have is 'urticaria'. I have done some research on that condition and I don't think that is my complaint.

I am saving up for allergy tests, but they are real expensive. I also sometimes have yeast in the vagina and I wonder if that could be the cause of it?

A. No, I do not think so. I am sorry you have had a real bad time with your skin. To be honest, your description of your condition does sound like urticaria, also known as 'hives' which is common skin disorder characterised by raised patches on the skin and intense itching.

Although short term, urticaria is often caused from allergy. What you probably have is long-term (chronic) urticaria. The cause of that is unknown. But it could be due to a phenomenon called 'autoimmunity' in which people develop a bad reaction to their own tissues.

My advice to you is to pick one of your two dermatologists and stick with that doctor. You may have to take various antihistamine drugs for a long time. When you get a real bad attack, your 'dermo' may consider putting you on steroid drugs for a short while, but I don't think you should waste large sums of your money on expensive allergy tests. I wish you well.

Q . Doc, I tried Viagra for the first time last night. I got a great erection, and had wonderful sex. But, just as my partner reached her climax, I suddenly found that the bedroom light seemed to me to have turned blue! Is this serious?

A No, it isn't. This is a well-known possible side effect of Viagra. Just ask your doctor to reduce your dosage a little.

Q . Doc, I recently got married. I love my husband, but he insists that I am legally obliged to give him oral sex. However, I do not like it much. Is he entitled to demand that I provide it for him?

A Certainly not! These days, many couples enjoy oral sex, but nobody is entitled to demand it. Your husband's idea that he is 'legally entitled' to it is just foolishness.