DOCTOR'S ADVICE - Could I test the sheets to know if she's cheating?

Q I have been married to my wife for 15 years, and I thought she was totally faithful. However, last week when I came back from a business trip, I was real shocked to find that there was a large stain on the sheet, just underneath where she lies. Doc, I am pretty sure this was a seminal stain. How could I get the sheet tested in order to prove my suspicions? Could a local doctor do this for me?

A No, a doctor could not do this for you. If you were really determined to get this test done (which I would not recommend), then the only person who could help you would be a forensic expert.

However, please be reasonable about this mysterious stain. It could be due to anything. From what you say about its position in the bed, the likely explanation is that your wife has had some slight vaginal secretion or discharge while you were away.

I feel that the only sensible thing to do is to talk this matter over with your wife, preferably with the guidance of a marriage counsellor. Please try hard not to get excited or mad.

Q Doctor, I have a real difficulty with my husband. Sadly, we have very different sexual drives. You see, I want sex far more often than he does and I just don't know what I can do about this. We got married just over three years ago. We were in love, and it looked as though everything would be great. Up until the wedding, we had not had much time to have sex, but each time we did it, things seemed to be fine. However, after we had been married a few months, I realised that I had grown to like sex more and more. By the time we got home from work in the evenings, I was often desperate for love-making. I would rip off my clothes and drag him off to bed.

But gradually, I realised that he was not as keen as me. He did try to keep up with me for a while, but by the time of our third wedding anniversary, it was clear that we had had really different ideas about sex. A few weeks ago, I sat down with him and said, "We must talk this over." He was willing to do that. I must say, Doctor, that he is a real nice guy and he is always willing to discuss any problems with me.

Well, what our discussion showed was this: Ideally, he would like to have sex around once a fortnight. But I would like it maybe three or four times for the week. So what do you think we can do, Doc? Am I oversexed? Can we keep our marriage going? By the way, we have chosen not to have any children - at least for the moment.

A Well, I am relieved to hear that. The fact that you have no children does at least make the problem a little easier to deal with.

Unfortunately, there are quite a few marriages like yours, in which there is a vast disparity between the levels of sexual desire in the two partners. In the majority of cases which I have seen, the husband is more highly sexed than the wife. But, sometimes, it is the other way round, as it is in your situation. You are not oversexed.

When it is the guy who is much more sexually charged, then very often, the couple can manage to reach an amicable solution because of the fact that they can have sex pretty frequently, even though the wife is not feeling particularly turned on.

However, when it is the wife who wants frequent sex while her husband doesn't, that can be very difficult. A guy who is not feeling aroused will usually find it difficult to get an erection and satisfy his spouse. And that is the situation in which you two find yourself.

So what can be done? Well, when a wife has far higher libido than her husband, there are three things that commonly happen:

1. The wife takes a lover (or lovers). I really would not recommend this, though it is understandable that a frustrated woman may find herself a boyfriend (or more than one). This course of action is highly likely to lead to a break-up of the marriage.

2. The wife decides to go in for self-stimulation. Since history began, unsatisfied wives have taken things into their own hands to relieve their frustration. These days, life is rather easier for women who are in a frustrating marriage because of the advent of vibrators. To give you an idea of how commonly they are used, a recent survey in America claimed that 53 per cent of wives have used them.

3. The couple reach some compromise. I would recommend this solution, if you and your husband can possibly manage it.

Is compromise really possible in this case? Well, the situation is that your husband only wants sex every 14 days, while you want it around every two days. Could the pair of you possibly agree on something like once every six days?

In between times, maybe your man would consent to give you a little love play so that you do not become frustrated. Indeed, it might be not a bad idea if you introduced him to the idea of using a vibrator on you. This would give you release without wearing him out.  I do hope you can fix this problem and save your marriage. However, your story is certainly a warning to couples who are considering getting wed. In general, it is not a good idea to marry someone whose sex drive is very different from one's own.

Q I am female, age 33. I have a new boyfriend. Could I start using that vaginal ring contraceptive?

A Yes, you could. The contraceptive ring contains two hormones. Together, they stop you getting pregnant. All you have to do is to put the ring into your vagina and keep it there for three weeks. Then you take it out for a week. After that week's break, you put in a new one.  The one vital thing to remember is that chemically, the vaginal ring is very like the Pill. So you must not use it if you have any risk factors for thrombosis, which is clotting. Your doctor can advise you further on that.

Q I am about to get married to a beautiful woman of 29, which is also my age. Doc, should I tell her that I had gonorrhoea when I was 17? It was fully treated.

A This is a tricky one. What I think is essential is that you should go to a doctor or clinic and have tests to make absolutely sure that every trace of gonorrhoea ('the clap') has gone from your body. My own feeling is that it would be wiser to tell your fiancée about your past medical history.