So many churches, so little time

By Michael Abrahams

As Lent approaches, I find myself thinking about one of my favourite topics - religion. One of the aspects of religion, especially Christianity, that fascinates me the most is that congregations will read the same book and leave with divergent dogmas, with many groups claiming that their way is the right way, and in some cases that it is their way or the highway. To Hell, of course. So, who do I follow? Or do I need to follow any of them at all?

Take blood and alcohol, for example. According to Jehovah's Witnesses, it is strictly forbidden to take blood, but okay to ingest alcohol, once you do not become drunk, of course. Seventh-day Adventists, on the other hand, claim that giving blood is not sinful, but that alcohol should be avoided. They say that we should forget about Jesus turning water into wine at the party and being the ultimate cool dude; it was really more like grape juice.

Roman Catholics take this blood/alcohol thing to a whole 'nother level. Not only do they not have issues with giving blood or drinking alcohol, but some believe that when a priest blesses alcohol, it literally becomes the blood of Jesus, which should then be ingested by the faithful. Trust me, I have been to a Catholic Church and smelt Jesus' 'blood' on a priest's breath, and if that really is Jesus' blood, Jesus needs to pray for his liver ASAP.

Roman Catholics love imagery. So they will often imbibe the blood/alcohol while wearing religious accoutrements. They wear crucifixes and pendants with images of Mary and various saints who, I am told, did really cool stuff, like performing miracles and other epic spiritual things. The Jehovah's Witnesses, on the other hand, reject this fashion, especially crucifixes, claiming that Jesus was crucified on a stake, not a cross, and that adorning oneself with these images amounts to idolatry.

The Pentecostals and Seventh-day Adventists take it a step further and shun bling, period! They consider wearing these fandangles to be embracing materialism. I really envy men who are married to women in these churches, though. Imagine how much money is saved on birthdays and anniversaries, at Christmas, and on Valentine's Day. Awesome!

And what exactly are the roles of women in the Church? Some churches ordain women, but the Catholic Church has no use for them as priests, while in some places of worship, they must sit at the back, cover the unprocessed hair on their heads and shut the hell up. All this while they wear their church frocks (no trousers allowed) and cover as much flesh as possible, as the skettelish "exposed cleavage and bare-shoulder look" would displease The Lord (and distract the preacher) as they sit in church on Sunday, which, according to the Adventists, is the totally wrong day to worship, as it should be the Sabbath. Sunday worshippers have got it all wrong, they say, while Sunday worshippers are like, "WHATEVER!"

One of the most popular traditions in Jamaica is to buy ham at Christmas and share it with family and friends. "EWWW!" say the Adventists, as they remind us that God had placed pork on his 'no way are you supposed to eat this crap' list.
As for the Jehovah's Witnesses, they don't celebrate Christmas at all. Or Easter. Or birthdays. Killjoys. They also say that Jesus is not God and that The Holy Spirit is a force and not a being. So you will not find them getting into the spirit and speaking in tongues, unlike the Pentecostals, who really get off on that kind of thing.

And baptism. How and when should this be done? By full immersion? With just a 'toops' of water? In the name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost? In Jesus' name only? In infancy? When one is older and can make an informed decision?

So now I am expected to give up something for Lent, and after reviewing the above arguments, I have made my decision. I think I'll give up religion.

Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com or tweet @mikeyabrahams.