Women – the ultimate dog lovers

Michael Abrahams, Online Columnist

When I was in high school, I made an interesting observation about the fairer sex: women love bad boys. I can recall being around boys discussing girls in demeaning ways, talking about feeling them up and getting ‘piece’ off o’ them and I would chime in with my nerdy geek self and reprimand them for their crass, misogynistic commentaries, only to realise, during my moments of quiet reflection, that they all had girlfriends and I had, well, for all practical purposes, none.

So after school, they would leave and go hang with their girlfriends and I would go home to my Hardy Boys books and my cut out half-naked STAR girl pics.

But why do women have this propensity to torture and torment themselves? Look at Rihanna for example. After experiencing a private performance of Chris Brown's ‘Greatest Hits’, she opted to go back, looking for an encore, I guess.

Women will see the canines, panting with tails wagging and fleas somersaulting off them, and, instead of running for cover, opt to play with them and give them bones. Or take their bones. Whatever. Even when the writing is on the wall in multiple fonts of varying sizes in different languages, they still forge ahead like moths to a flame, with the inevitable burning, and ‘bunning’.

Case in point: A dear friend of mine once informed me that she had a new boyfriend and could not contain her excitement when she told me that he was coming out later that year. When she said "coming out", I assumed that she meant that he would be arriving in Jamaica from another sovereign state.

He was being released from the state all right - the state penitentiary, where he served time for some gun-related crime and, in addition, had seven children for seven babymothers to boot, although it was obvious that he didn't use boots. When she told me, I was like, "WTF???" ("What type firearm," of course)

Then there is the story of another friend who told me that a certain gentleman in her apartment complex had expressed an interest in her, but she had a concern because she would see many different women trekking up to his apartment, followed by loud moans and groans. Now, I am actually acquainted with the fellow in question and know that he is neither an obstetrician nor an al-Qaida operative, and that the noises were most likely screams of ecstasy and not agony. Or rather screams of ecstasy from agony.

One night she actually called me after being trapped in his closet, R. Kelly style, where she had to seek refuge when his official girlfriend turned up for a surprise visit. I told her that this relationship was not a good idea. She agreed that she should leave. Then she stayed, with catastrophic consequences.

On the heels of this is another dear friend who happily told me of a guy she recently hooked up with. I also happened to know him and I swear he has got to be the most toxic man in mainland Jamaica, Lime Cay and the Goat Islands. Radioactive toxic. Relationships with him never end well, with his exes ending up in hospital, therapy, or both. This man has been inside more women than Portia has been inside airplanes. (At least, she wears a helmet).

Naturally, I told my friend that this relationship was not a good idea, that he is physically abusive to women, and that he once pulled a gun on a female friend of mine who had to flee. My friend thanked me profusely for the advice, told me that she "had to get out of this one", and then, of course, she stayed, experiencing nuclear-scale fallout akin to Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Men will hear about women with bad reputations and endeavour to get a piece of the action, but will not entertain any thoughts of having long-term relationships with them. Women, on the other hand, think that they can ‘fix’ these men and, in the process, become broken.

So, ladies, please tek sleep and mark death. If it looks like a dog, barks like a dog, and has the word ‘dog’ tattooed on it, RUN!

Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.