Noah's Ark - yeah, right!

Michael Abrahams, Online Columnist

As
a child, I loved fairy tales. Bible stories, on the other hand, were, I
was told, factual accounts not to be scoffed at or questioned, or the
consequence would be to burn in hell for eternity.

One
of my favourite Bible stories was that of Noah's Ark. I remember
looking at colourful illustrations of Noah and his family on the ark
surrounded by smiling giraffes, elephants, tigers and lions and thought
that it was so awesome and cool. And then I grew up.

Looking
back, that story is bizarre and unbelievable on more levels than Candy
Crush Saga. First of all, God allegedly repented of making man and sent
the flood to wipe out all the punks, jerks and anal orifices that
inhabited the earth. My question is, if God is omniscient, wouldn't He
have known what he was doing at the time when he made us, that He was
baking a batch of vile and disgusting skettels?

Anyway,
according to the story, Noah and his family built a humongous vessel to
house at least two of every animal in the whole wide world. Now, many
of these creatures are natural enemies, or predator and prey, so how the
box cover did hell and powerhouse not ensue on the boat? Did Noah put
some high-grade weed in their animal feed to make them chill out?

And,
if it were God who modified their behaviour, why couldn't He have done
so with the humans, instead of carrying out the greatest genocide ever,
killing even babies and unborn children?

Also,
we are told that Noah, the ultimate loader man, shepherded all these
animals on to the ark in just seven days. How would he have got all
these animals from different habitats and geographical locations
together in such a short space of time? Did he hire the entire staff of
the San Diego Zoo to assist him? And how did they return after the
flood?

How did the polar bears reach the
Arctic, the penguins Antarctica, and the kangaroos Australia? Did the
animals commandeer the vessel and embark on a round-the-world cruise,
dropping off their bredrens and sistrens as they went along?

We
are told that the ark was made of wood, so wouldn't the beavers,
woodpeckers and termites have had a field day? And with all the moisture
and animal faeces, urine, and flatulence, how did Noah and his family
not go crazy and jump overboard to escape all that 'renkness'?

Also,
wouldn't this have been a great opportunity for the Lord to drown and
get rid, forever, of all those pesky creatures that torment us and make
our lives miserable? You know, critters like cockroaches, mosquitoes,
crab lice and politicians? And speaking of crab lice, on whose 'frontal
system', did they board the ark? I'm going with Noah.

Apparently
he used to hit the bottle. Remember, he got drunk and naked after the
flood, and when people are under the influence, they are not exactly
discriminating regarding their sexual activity. (Check out Katy Perry's
'Last Friday Night').

And as if the tale
were not tall enough, Noah was allegedly 600 years old at the time of
the deluge. No wonder Shem and Japheth did not look at him when they
covered his nakedness. Can you imagine a naked 600-year-old man? That
must be like wrinklepalooza. Eeew!

Now, the
whole purpose of the flood was to cleanse the earth of all the
riff-raffs, right? So why did God then allow more wicked people to roam
the earth after the flood? Guys like Hitler, Stalin, Attila the Hun, Pol
Pot, the Taliban, Kartel? God is supposed to be perfect. So how can He
not only make a mistake, but then go back and do it all over again?

What
I find most disturbing about all this is that many educated and
intelligent adults in this day and age actually believe this story and
teach it to their children as fact and not mythology. We teach our
children to reason and to think logically about everything except
religion. If this story were written only in some secular text and not
in the Bible, would anyone believe it?

Michael
Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician,  comedian and poet. Email
feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com.