Meeting the parents
Published:Sunday | April 27, 2014 | 12:00 AM
Krysta Anderson, Lifestyle Writer
The concept of meeting the parents hit the big screens in 2000 with the movie titled just that, Meet the Parents. A famous manifestation of in-law relations was also seen in 2005 in the flick Monster In Law, so it is clear that we all know that there are specific nuances involved in meeting the family of your significant other.
But do young couples truly understand how to go about meeting their in-laws? A few take the necessary cautionary steps, while others go with the flow, hoping that in the end they will all just get along.
But according to 15-year relationship psychologist Sheldon Givans and counselling psychologist and director of Family Life Ministries, Dr Barry Davidson, meeting the parents can be quite the eye-opener for relationships because you get to learn about your significant other on a different and deeper level. It is also symbolic of your importance in your partner's life, being introduced to Mom and Dad. While every family is dynamic and there is no one formula, both psychologists believe that there are certain guidelines that couples can follow in order to remain on the straight and narrow.
1. Look the part
When you are going to meet the parents of your partner, you should look and act the part. Dr Davidson noted that it is important for the person to dress smart and speak well. Givans went into more details, pointing out that it is important how you dress because a family can write you off based on your mode of dress. Women should dress comfortably and modestly, and men should portray strength without coming across too strong.
2. Communicate
It is important to be polite and engage in basic and relevant conversation. Davidson notes, "Don't be critical of their child, be very affirming and be able to engage the parents. Be willing to listen carefully without revealing anything too confidential. Speak of the dreams, hopes, commitment and loyalty you both have for each other, so that the parents can know of your intentions and be sure that their daughter or son is in safe hands." Givans agreed with the notion, declaring, "Don't talk too much or flaunt your knowledge around too much when speaking to the parents. Never try to lead the discussion and refrain from being judgemental. Humility goes a far way. Try to stay away from controversial conversations like politics. That can easily turn against you. Don't get involved in personal matters between your partner and their parents. Stay away from squabbles and let them work it out because they have had their relationship long before yours."
3. Observe
Be aware of how the family interacts. "Learn more about their family customs and culture. By observing you will see what kind of environment your partner is coming from. Do it carefully and not too much. Spend a little time with the mother and the father individually. That way you can learn about them apart from their partner, and get them to know you. That may work out in your favour," Givans affirmed. Davidson concurs, and adds, "Hear from the in-laws stories about their child. The more you hear is the more you can discuss with your partner. Things may be revealed that you didn't know, and the more you learn the better it may be for your relationship as you break down your own barriers and unmask each other."
4. Assessment
Givans advises that those being introduced ought to open up themselves for critical assessment. "Take it as a learning experience and maintain a level of respect in the face of difficulty." Davidson noted that the girlfriend or the boyfriend should make no promises. "Set clear boundaries. Like, for example, living with your in-laws is not recommended no matter how nice they might be. That may take away from you being yourself and your partner breaking away from their parents and becoming their own individual rather than their child."
5. Put in the work
Don't try to do everything in one day. Givans stated, "Getting to know them takes time. The first encounter may not always be the best, but over time it can get better." Couples go through three stages in both marriage and relationships: the honeymoon stage, the adjustment stage, and the reality stage. Meeting the parents can affect the last two stages. "When the information from the parents comes in, you can know how to adjust. That's why it is best to get as much as possible."
The reality stage chips in when the couple makes all these grand plans and the family somehow hopes to disrupt this. "For instance, things take money and couples often plan their spending together. If the parents are looking forward to cashing in on their child, you as the partner need to know this from the beginning, as it pertains to what they want from you and your partner." You will not know all of this until you put in the work.