The big bamboo

Ethon Lowe, Guest Columnist

Worn with pride (like a badge of prosperity) and obviously good for his ego, the large abdominal girth of the Jamaican male was (and still is) highly prized in a country where anything big is better (bigger SUVs, bigger houses, etc.). Fortunately, despite its enduring popularity with the ladies, this rather unsightly appendage has fallen on hard times, mainly from health issues.

More enduring and indeed more useful is the appendage called, euphemistically (not least to avoid offending our Christian prudes), the big bamboo. The problem is, while the word 'bamboo' is an apt description (not to be confused with the 'bamboo' of Holland Bamboo fame), the word 'big' is highly controversial.

What is 'big'? Let us ask the donkey. This humble beast of burden, long the butt of many jokes, is, nonetheless, blessed with an exceptionally large appendage which, I am told, never fails to draw admiring glances from the ladies. Its effect on the men, however, is utterly devastating. The sight of this pendulous organ only fuelled more anxiety. For a while, many men struggled bravely to measure up, others simply threw up their arms in despair. Guess who now has the last laugh? Hee-haw!

Numerous advertisements in the press and on the Internet attest to the seriousness of the problem. Various methods are described to enlarge said appendage, for doesn't size equal prowess? Treatments range from pills, patches, and ointments to even hanging weights. Penile push-ups not recommended. Hard medical evidence to prove the efficacy of exercise is a bit, shall we say, soft. For, experimentally, you would be hard-pressed to find a group of men who would be prepared to contort their little ding-a-lings to become hard on a daily basis in front of independent medical witnesses.

Blacks vs whites

As far as size goes, Alfred Kinsey, the famous sex-research pioneer, found that there was very little difference between blacks and whites. When flaccid, average length was 4.3 inches for blacks and 4.0 inches for whites. When erect, the average was blacks, 6.3, and whites, 6.2.

In recent studies, the dimensions are roughly the same, although blacks may have a slight edge. One of the longest on record is the legendary Long Dong Silver's - reputedly 18 inches. Mr Silver's career in the porn business (where he was obviously in great demand) was somewhat disappointing. He had the tool obviously, but for some reason, he couldn't, how shall I say, keep it up.

A Long Dong Silver of sorts is our local celebrity, Nature Boy, a name he acquired by being exceptionally well endowed - gargantuan by all accounts - truly one of nature's wonders. At first, there were, understandably, hesitations and trepidations among those ladies brave enough to submit to Nature Boy's munificence. However, when things got going, most recipients expressed great satisfaction, although admittedly there were some, er, casualties.

Nature Boy continues to have a very busy work schedule, and although he maintains that it is always hard, he is never one to shirk his responsibility. One wonders how he manages to keep it up. He still resides in St Catherine in the town of ... (sorry, ladies). Unfortunately, attempts to measure this natural wonder and proclaim to the world what must surely be one of Jamaica's best-kept secrets were unsuccessful as, from reports, it is constantly in service.

Why are blacks so well endowed? While most scientists will say it is genetic, we can look to the African elephant for a possible explanation. His ears highly vascular (numerous blood vessels), with a large surface area, are used to dissipate heat on the hot savanna of Africa and effectively cool the animal. Similarly, the male appendage does likewise, the bigger the organ, the more effective the heat loss.

Humans living in a hot environment (predominantly blacks) retained their large appendage, while those in colder climates (mainly whites and Asians) developed smaller ones with smaller surface area to conserve heat.

And that, my friends, is the truth. (With profound apologies to Darwin and scientists all over the world?)

Ethon Lowe is a medical doctor. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and ethonlowe@gmail.com.