Suarez scores historic hat-trick of bites

By Michael Abrahams

Last week's 'bite of the week' has got to be Uruguay's Luis Suarez attempting to take a chunk out of Italy's Giorgio Chiellini's left shoulder during their World Cup encounter. I must admit that the incident left me a bit confused, as I was wasn't sure if I was watching a football match or an episode of ‘Vampire Diaries’.

What I found to be even more disturbing is the fact that he had done this twice before and was punished on both occasions. While playing for Ajax Amsterdam in the Netherlands in 2010, Suarez bit PSV Eindhoven's Otman Bakkal on the neck and was banned for seven matches, earning the nickname ‘The Cannibal of Ajax’ in the Dutch media. Then in 2013, while playing for Liverpool in England, he bit Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic on the arm and was banned for 10 matches. On hearing of Suarez's second biting offence, Mike Tyson remarked that "it happens" and started following him on Twitter. No surprise there.

So after twice being penalised, why on earth would Suarez think that he could get away this type of offence again, completing his biting hat-trick on such a grand stage? After all, this was not a National Premier League match at Stadium East, but a game being played at the world's biggest sporting event, beamed live to an audience of hundreds of millions. Apparently, his biting exploits are so well known by those who follow the sport that at least 167 persons have actually won money after placing bets that he would bite someone at the World Cup. One Norwegian man won US$3,300.

Not surprisingly, FIFA was neither impressed with, nor amused by, Suarez's latest cannibalistic excursion and immediately launched an investigation. In his defence, Suarez wrote to FIFA's disciplinary panel claiming that the incident was an accident, stating, "In no way it happened how you have described, as a bite or intent to bite.” He elaborated: "After the impact, I lost my balance, making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent. At that moment, I hit my face against the player, leaving a small bruise on my cheek and a strong pain in my teeth."

Like a teacher being given the ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse, the FIFA panel was like "yeah, right", and, after studying the incident from 34 camera angles, stated that the bite was "deliberate, intentional and without provocation," before handing out the biggest ever suspension at a World Cup: banning him for nine Uruguay matches and for four months from all football in addition to being fined £66,000.

Uruguay captain Diego Lugano described the ban as an act of "barbarity" that breaches his human rights. If he described the ban as barbarity, I wonder what he considers the bite to be? Homoeroticism? But I digress. Uruguay manager Oscar Tabarez said he was standing down from his role on FIFA's Technical Study Group (TSG) because he thought that the ban was too heavy, blaming the English media for making a meal out of Suarez trying to make a meal out of Chiellini.

But FIFA defended the severity of the punishment, stating that not only is he a repeat offender, but that "at no time did the player show any kind of remorse or admit to any violation of FIFA rules and therefore showed no awareness of having committed any infraction".

Apart from these biting incidents, Suarez has a long history of misbehaviour on the pitch. At the age of 16, he headbutted a referee after being given a red card. And who can forget the handball on the line at the last World Cup in 2010 in South Africa that contributed to Ghana being knocked out of the competition? He was also banned for eight matches and fined £40,000 in 2011 for racially abusing Manchester United defender Patrice Evra during a game. Come to think of it, he tends not to bite black players, passing over ‘chocolate flava’ and showing preference for ‘white meat’. But again, I digress.

As Suarez ponders his next move, I suggest that he consider taking up another sport, hot dog eating, in which biting is definitely allowed. As he now has a lot of time on his hands, he could travel to New York for the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition on July 4 and assault Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut's record of 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes.

Alternatively, Suarez could become a naturalised Jamaican citizen and enter Jamaican politics. After all, breaking rules, repeat offending and showing no remorse for his wrongs or admitting to wrongdoing would make him a perfect fit for Gordon House.

Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.