Ashamed of a hand job

 Q: Doctor, should I tell my wife about what happened to me on a business trip to Miami?

I must explain to you that we have been happily married for 10 years and have two young children.

I have always been a 'good husband' up until now. I would like to stay married to my wife for the rest of my life - I love her and she says she loves me.

However, I recently travelled to Florida with a few business associates. It was a successful trip, and we were all very pleased with the results. On our last night in Miami, we decided to hit the town and have a few beers. Unfortunately, I drank much more than I usually do, and I guess I started to behave rather stupidly.

The three of us decided to go to what is called a 'massage parlour'. I am pretty ashamed of this. I was instructed by the staff to go into a private room, like a cubicle, with a pretty girl. There was a couch in there, and she instructed me to take off my clothes and lie on it. Then she gave me a straightforward 'muscle massage', much like you would get in a gym.

But after around five minutes of that, she offered me what they call 'hand relief' - for an extra fee. I regret to say that I accepted. As you probably appreciate, Doc, what happened next was that she transferred her massage to my organ. And she continued it until I climaxed.

That was it, Doctor. I did not have any 'extras', though they were on offer. And the young woman did not even take her top off.

But two things are concerning me:

1. Could I have caught any kind of sex infection?

2. Should I tell my wife about what happened?

A: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! What crazy things some men will do when they are away from home - particularly when they have too much to drink.

From what I have heard, I guess that you three guys were quite lucky that you were not subjected to any theft or violence. Some of the 'massage parlours' in Miami are located in quite rough areas.

In regards to your first question, you say that the young woman only gave you what is widely referred to as a 'hand job'. And you imply that she did not give you oral sex, or have intercourse with you.

If what you say is true, then there is virtually no chance that she has given you an STI. It is very, very unusual for manual contact to transmit an infection.

Secondly, you ask me whether you should tell your wife. This is a much more difficult one! Clearly, you want to get this episode 'off your chest'. And you feel that you should unburden yourself to your wife. Normally, I am in favour of complete honesty between spouses. But in this case, you must remember that telling her about what you did could be very devastating to her. I know of similar cases where wives have become deeply upset, or even clinically depressed, when their husbands have confessed 'frolics' of this sort.

Remember that, in general, women take that kind of sexual activity far more seriously than many men do. It is possible that your wife's life may never be the same again, once you have told her what the 'massage girl' did to you.

So, reluctantly, I have to say that you should keep quiet. If you need someone to confess to, I suggest that you go to a minister of religion - rather than your poor wife. There is no point in making her unhappy.

Q: Doctor, I recently had sex with an attractive man whom I met at a party. He gave me the impression that he was unmarried.

But guess what? He has a wife and four children in Portland. How I could have been fooled by him, I don't know.

But I have two questions:

1. Bearing in mind that we only had sex once, can I assume that he hasn't given me any infection?

2. Do I have any legal claim against him for seducing me while pretending to be single?

A: Alas, many women are fooled by men who give them the impression that they are single, but it turns out they have a wife at home. To answer your queries:

1. Regarding sexually transmitted infections (STI), the fact that you only had sex with him once is irrelevant. Once enough to give you an STI. My advice is to have some tests done by a doctor.

2. Though his deceit was morally wrong, you probably don't have a legal claim against him.

Q: Doc, I live in England and, five years ago, I had a vasectomy. I wish I hadn't! You see, I have fallen in love with a beautiful woman and want to marry her and have children.

So what are the chances that I could get this operation 'reversed'?

A: Not too good, I am afraid. This operation is pretty difficult to reverse and it often fails. So what I would advise you to do is to see a urologist who has a lot of experience in trying to reverse vasectomies. These days, it is possible to find one. But I must warn you that the operation is going to be quite expensive.

Q: I am in my second marriage and my new husband is a very good lover. He is able to make me orgasm, which didn't use to happen in my first marriage.

However, I am surprised to find that I produce a small jet of fluid during these orgasms. Am I abnormal?

A: No. Recent research has shown that a small number of women do produce some liquid when they climax. This phenomenon is called 'female ejaculation'. You can read about it on the Internet.

Q: Doc, I am 36 years old and married. But my wife is the dominant partner in our relationship.

To my astonishment, she has just revealed to me that she has what she calls 'a long-term lover'. And she wants to go with this arrangement for the foreseeable future, sometimes having sex with him, and sometimes with me. Do you think there is any hope that this set-up could succeed?

A: Well, I have known of instances in which people have managed to keep an 'eternal triangle' going for many years. But there are many potential hazards, particularly if one man gets jealous of the other.

Also, problems could arise if the other man is having sex elsewhere. Obviously, that might introduce infections into this triangle. And here's my final piece of medical advice - make sure that your wife does not get pregnant! You would have some difficulty in sorting out who was is the father.