Bruce prays in English

Carolyn Cooper, Contributor

DEAR GOD, it's me, Bruce."Don't provoke me to wrath. What's this about? Which Bruce?"

How many 'Bruces' do you know, bawling out to you morning, noon and night, begging for deliverance? Don't treat me so badly. I can't bear all these burdens. I don't have the words to fully express how I feel. I've become a universal laughing stock. Don't you see all the jokes on the Internet? There's even one with Hitler impersonating me. What a liberty! You should hear what he's saying about Tivoli. I'm so ashamed. And even You are turning against me?

No, God, that's not right. I've been singing all the songs of redemption in my hymnal and it doesn't seem to matter. Even You are behaving as if You don't know me? You can't do that. You've made a lot of promises, You know, God. Come to think of it, You would make an excellent politician. Don't You remember this assurance? "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." It's you who said so. My wife goes to church every week and she tells me what the parson says. I did see all those placards about 'truth'. But that's another story.

Life is so unfair. I come to you with my scarlet sins and you are pretending not to know me! By the way, I've always wondered if white sins are better than red sins. But I don't have time to get caught up in philosophising. I leave that to Ossie Harding. He has a PhD in philosophy. Right now, I just want deliverance. Colour is not the issue: red, white, green, orange, it makes no difference. Just take away the sins.

Deadly work

Then, another thing is bothering me. Couldn't You have warned me about the difficulty of the job of prime minister? How could You be so cruel? All the time I was dying to get the job, I didn't realise how deadly it was! Being leader of the Jamaica Labour Party is so easy. They are all 'yes' men and women in the party. You tell them, 'don't sign' and they don't sign. You tell them, 'sign' and they sign. I wink and tell them I'm going to resign. They understand the ruse and tell me I can't resign. So I can handle them.

It's the job of prime minister that's excruciating! I simply did not know how wicked Jamaican people are. They're behaving as if they really expect their prime minister to have integrity. They are so hypocritical. They know how we do politics in this country and they want to compel me to have more integrity than anybody else. Just because I made so many promises during the election campaign? They know that it's all talk. And they want to hold me to my election promises? How can they be so unconscionable?

Just think of all the disreputable things the People's National Party government did. No alarm was made. And the Jamaican people now want me, alone, to stand up for principle. They had better get out of my face! A good example is the big issue of environmental protection. PJ just sat there and allowed a lot of houses to be built on the top of Long Mountain. Everybody knows that no houses should have been put up there. That protected site should have been left in its natural state. It's part of the watershed for Kingston. John Maxwell wrote exhaustively about the environmental impact. Nobody took him on.

The residents of Beverly Hills did not stand up for their rights. Poor souls. PJ simply did what he had to do and completely undermined their long-established community. A dead-end road became a thoroughfare. And it seems as if a lot more so-called 'development' that was started by the PNP on Long Mountain is still going through. And I am the one they want to come and clean up the PNP's mess?

That thick-headed woman

All the same, I do have to take some of the blame for the trials and tribulations that have fallen on me as prime minister. I was arrogant. The Bible says, "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." But, dear God, please understand. This is how I fell into the pit of disaster as prime minister.

I said to myself, "If that thick-headed, dunce woman could have been prime minister, then, surely, I can do the job too!" After all, I went to a brand-name high school - Jamaica College. I learned how to debate with worthy opponents. Didn't you see that everybody said I won the election debate? But I have to admit that her answer on Chávez was brilliant. She said the issue was foreign policy - not Chávez.

And I also went to a brand-name university. Not one of those dime-a-dozen operations. In addition, I was in training for such a long time with the maximum leader, Edward Seaga. I learned everything I know about politics from him. And look how he's carrying on as if he's better than me. He went on TV and shoved me under the bus and reversed over me. But see, I've been resurrected like Jesus. All things in their time: I leave him to You, God. With his crocodile tears.

Last thing: are You really not going to help me find Rhygin? You see and you know everything. You know where he is. Why are You allowing the police to go to the wrong house and execute innocent people? That's not right, You know, God. You're supposed to just reveal the man's location and make it easy for us to find him. But, come to think of it, what if he's also praying to You, asking that we not find him? That's your problem. All I want is for You to answer my prayers: deliver me from this time of trouble. Amen.

Carolyn Cooper, PhD, is a public intellectual specialising in cultural enterprise management. She is founder and director of the Global Reggae Studies Centre, a private sector initiative. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com or karokupa@gmail.com.