The ugly American

Tony Deyal, Gleaner Writer

On April 1, 1957, the BBC television programme 'Panorama' ran a famous hoax (created by Richard Dimbleby) showing people in Switzerland harvesting spaghetti from trees. It started by saying that spring had come early that year so that the harvest had started and the crop was even more abundant because the despised pest, the spaghetti weevil, had been eradicated. The programme also asserted that the oddly uniform length of the common or garden spaghetti was the result of years of dedicated husbandry. More than 250 jammed the BBC switchboard enquiring where they could go to watch the harvest and how to acquire plants of their own. Those who enquired about growing their own pasta were told by the show's producer, Michael Peacock, "Many British enthusiasts have had admirable results from planting a small tin of spaghetti in tomato sauce."

Another famous April Fools' hoax was perpetrated by the Taco Bell company, which announced on April 1, 1996, that it had bought the Liberty Bell (the famous artefact dating back to the Revolutionary War) from the federal government and would rename it the TACO BELL. Many Americans were very upset about commercialising the historic treasure and complained to the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell is housed. When asked about the sale, Mike McCurry, the White House press secretary, replied tongue-in-cheek that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would, from then on, be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

Because this is free publicity for the company which dreams up the spoof and a great marketing opportunity to exploit, especially if it goes viral on the Web, even airlines have got into the act. Virgin Blue published full-page ads throughout Australia advertising an on-board tanning service (Bronze Class) and a kid's 737 birthday plane. Virgin also published standing-room-only (half-price) specials via their website and more than 1,000 people reportedly tried to book the no-chair fares.

'Sleeping cabin'

Showing genuine media savvy, the Canadian airline WestJet, in 2008, offered a 'sleeping cabin' in the overhead luggage compartments of their aircraft for an additional US$12. "The overhead compartment has traditionally been a place where guests have placed their carry-on baggage," WestJet Vice-President Bob Cummings said in a joke statement. "Given that the overhead bins on our fleet (of 73 Boeing 737s) are among the most spacious of any airline, we made the decision to offer sleeper cabins in that space. By offering our existing overhead bins as sleeper cabins, guests will now have the opportunity to lie down for a period of time and arrive at their destination refreshed, rested and ready to go." WestJet offered a 10 per cent discount to anybody on regular travel if they called up and mentioned the overhead bins.

In a literal one-upmanship, American Airlines (AA) took the April 1 prank to a higher height. The airline announced that it would replace jet services on the transatlantic sector with solar-powered LZ-2 airships - at zero emissions. AA claimed that the new 100 per cent photovoltaic-powered vessels will transport up to 500 people in the lap of luxury, featuring private suites, bars and restaurants, spectacular lounges, and an 18-hole frisbee golf course. AA stated that to save additional resources, passengers would be able to disembark over any land mass by ejecting in parachute bound pods.

However, that is not the only or biggest lie AA (Always Awful) has told. In fact, April Fools seemed to have come early this year for AA and I was one of the victims of its most recent sojourn into the airy-fairy when I turned up in Providenciales (Turks and Caicos Islands) last Saturday for a flight to Miami. My flight was due to leave at 7:40 a.m., so I left the hotel at 4:30 a.m. to make sure I was the recommended three hours early for international flights. The airport was deserted and its doors were locked. A Guyanese security guard had pity on me and after many attempts finally opened the door for me to go inside the completely empty departure area. I eventually found out that the airline staff does not start working until 6 a.m. After watching them dithering around for a long while, I realised something was wrong and thought it was (as one of them said) a computer breakdown. It turned out to be a credibility meltdown instead.

Almighty's sins

We were told that because of a fuel shortage in Miami (caused by an explosion in one of its storage facilities), AA had cancelled the flight. I was the first person in line and I pointed out that since the plane had overnighted in Providenciales and there was enough fuel at the island's airport to fuel the plane, the shortage in Miami should not be the cause of the cancellation. I asked to be put on another flight that was leaving around 1 p.m. that day and was told the flight was full. I subsequently saw other passengers being put on the later flight. When I asked about where they were putting me up for the night and my expenses, I was told that it was an act of God and that AA does not compensate for the Almighty's sins of commission. As far as I know, when fires break out in installations, it is a failure of someone or some organisation, and that God has nothing to do with it directly.

It was clear that AA had seized upon the fire or explosion as an excuse for not compensating the passengers for the delay. Worse, the plane that should have left at 7:40 a.m. was used for the later flight, so that fuel was not the problem. On the flight back to Antigua, two days later than my scheduled return, I spoke to a Caribbean aviation official who confirmed for me that the definition of acts of God by the International Airline Transport Association (IATA) does not include what seems to be a case of negligence or where human error can be the cause. However, AA stuck to blaming God, and after my additional day in Providenciales, I had another extra day in Miami, all because of HIM. Fortunately for my immortal soul, I have not lost faith in God but have lost any faith I had in AA. While the airline boasts about its corporate responsibility, etc., on its website, the Texas-based airline is willing to lie to passengers when, like the model for Texan businessmen, J.R., it comes down to Dallas and Cents. Then morality goes up in flames, just like the fuel tanks.

Tony Deyal was last seen saying that AA only cancelled two of his flights, but London's Capitol Radio once told its audience that daylight saving time had done so well that April 5 and April 12 had to be cut from the calendar.