'Forty beads' to better sex

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

Have you become stuck with going through the motions? Are you and your husband more like room-mates instead of the fun-loving couple you used to be?

After being married for many years, you may find that your sex life is boring and you do not feel sexually attracted to your spouse anymore. In many instances, women and men may suffer from low sexual desire and sexual response difficulties and may even contemplate having an affair to determine if the blame lies in their partner or in them.

A part of the problem, however, is that couples take relationships for granted, concentrating on work and domestic chores as parent and wife or husband.

To transform your marriage, you should try the 40-bead method, which is a totally innovative approach to sex in a marriage. The method was developed by Carolyn Evans and creates positive results, dissolving the negative tension that builds up around a dull sex life. The 40-bead method revitalises your sex life to one that you have always wanted as the relationship ages.

A Kirkus book review provides a background for the bead method which is a creative catalyst for remedying an ailing sex life. He explains that when Evans was facing a particularly arduous period in her marriage, she knew she needed to do something to reignite her love life. She decided to offer her husband sex on a daily basis for 40 days straight, marking each one off with the drop of a Venetian bead into a mason jar. This is how the 40-bead method started, an approach that "assumes a disparity that often exists between the male and female libidos and offers a way to close the gap". The method should be very helpful for women, especially those 40 and over, who need help dealing with the sexual power struggles of their relationship.

(www.kirkusreviews.com).

Bartering

In her book, Forty Beads: The Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage, Evans explains that the 40-bead method is simply a bartering method based on good behaviour. Using beads, whenever your partner wants sex, simply place one in a bowl by the bedside. When your partner sees a bead in a bowl, he or she will have to be ready to engage in sex within 24 hours if your partner's behaviour is acceptable. In the case where your partner may not have behaved desirably, you can 'turtle' your partner by dumping out all of the beads which means no sex at that point in time and until more beads are placed on the bowl.

No bickering

To be more exciting, a spouse can give to a wife or husband 40 beads. Your partner may redeem one at a time, for sex, by dropping a bead in a 'bead catcher' which can be any attractive see-through holder. Once a bead is dropped, your spouse has 24 hours within which to service the partner. According to Evans, this is supposed to take sex off the 'bicker block', allowing for a subtle facilitation of sexual intimacy. Simple put, no arguing and bickering about what should have been and passing blame to each other.

Be happy

Evans posits that with the bead method there is no need to talk so that married couples improve their relationships by using a token system. In the bead method, for example, the man is given 40 beads which he distributes, one bead at a time, to his wife. Each bead means he is in the mood, and the wife has 24 hours to respond with sex. The bead method is an easy way to have sex without verbal communication and there is nothing to fight about as everybody is happy.

Creates closeness

The 40-bead method is important because of the closeness it creates. Evans says: "The 40-bead method is based on the simple fact that men need to have sex in order to feel close, and women need to feel close in order to want to have sex."

Feedback on the 40-bead method

The downside of the 40-bead method is that partners do not like to 'order' sex by placing a bead in a bowl. They claim it is too much like ordering a pay-per-view movie which makes them uncomfortable that you have to have sex within a specified period, whether or not they necessarily want to. As stated before, with the 40-bead theory, the only time it is acceptable for a partner to not have sex with his or her spouse is if there is displeasure with the person's behaviour.

Blogs posted September 12, 2011 on Carolyn Evans' website read:

"I do like the idea of beads as a subtle signifier for sex, and I like that it gives a general grace period, so that you don't have to stop everything to meet your partner's needs then and there.

"But the bead method would seem a lot fairer if both partners could plop a bead in whenever they wished—and if withholding sex as a punishment for 'bad' behaviour wasn't a part of it."

Carolyn Evans continues to learn more about the 40-bead method every single day from her blogs. She adds that she gets the most amazing emails from women using the method and they uncover different angles on the method based on their experiences. They find the method itself pretty innovative (www.fortybeads.com).

Promises of sex

If you are agonising over being neglectful in your spousal duties, why not give your spouse the gift of 40 deeds with 40 beads? What you are giving your spouse is 40 promises of sex. When your spouse drops a bead in the bead catcher you have designed (maybe your crystal bowl), it is a promise to have sex within the next 24 hours.

The method is intended for use by all types of couples. It's not just for heterosexuals. A disparity among libidos can and often does exist in same-sex couples. Evans hopes that the method will offer the same transformational experience for homosexual couples who struggle with conflicting libidos.

As a woman, author Carolyn Evans reveals that the bead method works for her, so she provides spouses with a fun and creative method that is sure to breathe new life into a sexless marriage. Sex is so important to the success of a marriage and exactly how to put it to the front burner is the challenge of making sex playful and fun using the 40-bead method. Evans has provided couples with a creative method that is sure to breathe new life into a sexless marriage.

Send questions/comments to heatherl@cwjamaica.com