Dear Doc:No sex for my cheating husband

Q.  Doctor, I am a very distraught wife. The reason is, six weeks ago, I came home in the middle of the day and found my husband in bed with our maid. I screamed and shouted and cried. The girl was extremely frightened, she put on her clothes and ran out of the house with her belongings. I understand she has gone back to her home in the country, so I do not suppose we shall see her again.

As for my husband, he was embarrassed and remorseful. He went down on his knees, and begged me to forgive him. But I was very upset, so I stormed out and went to stay with my sister in Spanish Town.

After a week, I went back home. We talked about what happened, and he keeps telling me how sorry he was and that the girl 'meant nothing' to him. I suppose he did it because she was young and very attractive.

We seem to be getting on a little better now, but we have not had sex since the unfortunate incident. He wants to, but I just can't bring myself to do it with him, because I know about what he did with that young woman.

I am still very upset. I cry a lot and feel sad sometimes because of it. Most nights, I wake up at three or four o'clock thinking about what happened.

My husband says that it only happened once. But can I believe him, Doctor?

Also, should I let him have sex with me again?

A. This is indeed a sad story. As a doctor, the first thing I must say is that your symptoms suggest that you are suffering from clinical depression. When a person keeps waking up in the middle of the night, worrying, that is usually a symptom of depression. And it is quite understandable that you have become depressed, following what your husband did.

Now can you believe what he says about it being only once? Well, that is what many men and women say when they have been 'caught'. Maybe it is true, and maybe not.

It may also be true that the young woman 'meant nothing to him'. However, men do often tend to make this claim when they have had an affair.

What is important is that you should decide whether you want to try and stay in the marriage despite your husband's cheating. Please don't rush into a decision, particularly based on how you are feeling at the moment.

It is good that you are talking to him about what has happened. You should continue to do that. Try to establish whether he really loves you and whether he intends to be faithful in the future.

As it relates to resuming intercourse with him, that is a difficult question. As a doctor, I am concerned, as your husband might have picked up some sex infection from that young woman which he could easily give it to you!

Also, having sex with him again might suggest to him that you are in some way 'condoning' what he has done. So don't let yourself be pressured into having sex.

In fact, it seems to me that you and your husband should have some joint counselling about the state of your marriage before you reach any decision about resuming intercourse.

Q. Some years ago, I was working on a long-term contract in England and I decided to get a vasectomy. I was surprised by how easy and relatively painless it was.

Well, Doc, I am now divorced, and back in Jamaica. I have met a lovely young woman, and hope to marry her later this year. But a strange thing has happened. Last week, she told me that she is pregnant and by me!

She is delighted about this. I should explain to you that she does not know that I had a vasectomy.

Do vasectomies sometimes fail? If so, can I safely assume that this baby is mine?

A. You have a very big problem here. Yes, vasectomies do occasionally fail, so the man's sexual partner can get pregnant.

But that is not a common thing. Experts say that the failure rate for vasectomy is only around one in 2,000.

So there has to be a possibility that your fiancée has been 'playing away'. Let us hope not!

I think that all you can do is to tell her about your vasectomy and ask her frankly whether she has been with any other man. If absolutely necessary, you could ask for DNA test after the child is born.

Q. I had a thrombosis while on the Pill. The doctor told me I should stop taking it.

Could I get the skin patch instead?

A. No, that would be dangerous. The contraceptive skin patch contains the same hormones as the Pill. So it, too, carries a risk of clotting (thrombosis).

You should ask your doctor about another method which would not cause clotting. You could have a coil (IUD), or even perhaps get sterilised.

Q. My American wife is talking about getting fitted with a 'diaphragm' next time she goes home. But Doc, wouldn't I be able to feel this while having sex with her?

A. No, not if it is properly fitted. The idea is that the woman tucks it up behind her pubic bone, making sure that it covers her cervix. That should prevent your sperm from getting through.

When a diaphragm is 'wedged' in the correct place, the man should not be able to feel it with his penis. However, if you were using your fingers in foreplay, you would be able to feel it. Please take care not to dislodge it with your fingertips.

Q. I was desperate to have sex with this woman who is a close friend of my wife. She was so beautiful that she 'turned my head', Doc.

I imagined that she would be fantastic in the sack. But when I finally got her into bed, I was very surprised to find that she was no good at sex at all. In fact, it took me four hours to make her orgasm.

Do you think there is something wrong with her? I am now doubtful about continuing this affair.

A. I feel you would be crazy to continue having a relationship with your wife's friend. I foresee big trouble ahead.

People often get infatuated with an attractive person and are then surprised to find that the object of their desire is not too good in bed! Of course, the woman may have been rather uptight that afternoon.

I very much doubt there is anything wrong with her. But I think you should leave her alone.

deardoc@gleanerjm.com