Glenn Tucker| Make mediation a mandatory part of the intestacy process

Last Sunday I received a video along with a statement. The information related to a shooting which took place in a church during worship. Almost immediately, a flood of stories making different claims about the motivation for the shooting were posted. The one that seems to be getting the most attention is related to ‘dead lef’.

I write about this matter because family squabbles over property left by a deceased family member is at the root of many murders and lesser conflicts in this country. Some murders have gone unsolved because of the sophistication that went into the planning, especially when the mastermind has already returned home, abroad. At this time, there is hardly a district in any parish where there are not varying levels of ‘cussing’ and conflict over matters surrounding the death of a family member and disposal of the deceased’s belongings.

When a family member dies, one would assume that a coming together of relatives, giving support to each other, would be the ideal way to reduce the effect of the loss. Many, however, are surprised at the conflicts that surface over the strangest, even seemingly trivial, issues. Many fail to understand that people – even our own relatives – have different ‘grieving styles’ and grieve at their own pace. There are different feelings, for example, about when and if belongings should be put away. Some are unable to cope with the sight of the deceased’s belongings, while others need to see them to provide some psychological continuity.

About six years ago, Harvard researchers published a report which suggests that two common grief responses – anxiety and uncertainty – can increase a person’s tendency to assume that others see things exactly as they do. This is especially so with family members who we perceive as being similar to us and should have the same values, attitudes and worldview. Frequently, there are charges of selfishness and greed.

There are some local situations that contribute to the anger and bitterness on these occasions. I mention three because they are at the root of more conflicts than we imagine.

When I was a teenager, a man who lived on the north coast died. He was in his late 90s and left 13 children, 39 grandchildren and 17 great-grandchildren, eight of them being adults at the time. This man had made it known decades earlier that he lived on family land and it should never be sold. It was not long after the funeral that quarrels, threats and fights started. The main reason surrounded who would build where. This could have been easily resolved if the property was 100 acres. But it was two and a half acres.

There was a custom in the late ‘50s and ‘60s, before students’ loans and certain tertiary institutions were located here. Whenever a child showed academic promise, particularly for law or medicine, a disproportionate portion of the family’s resources were devoted to ensuring the success of that prized child. This was also the case when, if God was kind, one child was born with a lighter skin colour. The other children were not supported beyond ‘government’ school, and encouraged to quickly find some form of employment to contribute to the maintenance of the prized sibling through university and the purchase of the first car.

One under-recognised and underappreciated role is that of caregiver. Some persons give up jobs and relationships to return home to take care of elderly parents, as well as any other family member who may be disabled. Caring for a loved one who is just getting older and sicker is a thankless, emotionally draining task. Death eventually comes. And it is the other siblings, often living abroad, who turn up and expect to get the lion’s share because they were paying the land tax.

Grief interrupts our normal brain functioning, and it is our brain that is responsible for sending signals to the rest of our body. So all the brain chemicals responsible for rational behaviour are thrown out of balance. Emotions, concentration, memory and multitasking skills, as well as eating and sleeping functions, do not work as they should. Looking back, family members are shocked and embarrassed at how they treated each other during the grieving period. Some relationships are never repaired.

It is the feelings of being treated unfairly, sometimes from childhood, the realisation – for the first time – that the sibling count is much higher than dad had let on, the refusal to recognise any non-financial contribution as valuable, failure to recognise that an emotional investment takes the greatest toll on one’s mind and body, that cause persons to resort to extreme measures.

Some suggest that we should all make it known how we want our property to be disposed of, prior to death. Others argue that this only causes the squabbles to start earlier.

Evidence suggests that where the family unit consists of a mother, a father and children to that union only, these conflicts are minimal.

May I suggest that whenever one dies intestate, mandatory mediation should be a feature of the probate process. Also, when grieving is prolonged and gets in the way of day-to-day functioning, it is important to seek support.

Glenn Tucker is an educator and a sociologist. Email: glenntucker2011@gmail.com