Gordon Robinson | A haemorrhoid’s varicose verbosity

Anyone in doubt elections are nigh need only monitor the current proliferation of asinine arguments based on putrid political propaganda.

They remind me of many similar quarrels around Gene Autry’s domino table in the 1970s. Gene never participated in political argument but Dr S. Blanc and Dessie were often at odds in a socialist vs capitalist war of words. Dessie was a believer in making money by any means necessary while Blanc, self-styled Senior Lecturer in the Faculty of Dominoes, argued social welfare first, second and third.

This gave perpetual spectator, Haemorrhoid, an excuse to recount one of his long and winding shaggy dog tales full of irrelevant facts building to a grand anti-climax. Autry had created Ernest H. Flower’s nickname based on his middle initial and constant complaints about “piles and piles” of files on his desk. But Haemorrhoid’s first love was storytelling.

So today’s Lesson comes from the Book of Haemorrhoid: Chapter Two-Many; Verses One to When-Will-He-Ever-Shut-Up:

“A Jamaican Doctor can’t find a job after graduation so decided to open a clinic and puts a sign outside: GET TREATMENT FOR $20,000. IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100,000.

An American Lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity. He goes to the clinic and complains ‘I’ve lost my sense of taste.’

Jamaican Doctor: ‘Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in this patient’s mouth.’ The nurse does as instructed. The American lawyer coughs and yells ‘Ugh! This is kerosene.’

The Jamaican Doctor responds ‘Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20,000.’

The American lawyer realizes he was tricked and is determined to prove no Jamaican can trick a prepared American. So he waits a few days then returns to the Clinic:

‘I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.’

Jamaican Doctor: ‘Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.’

The American lawyer is annoyed. ‘You take me for an idiot? That so-called medicine is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.’

The Jamaican Doctor responds ‘Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20,000.’

By now the American lawyer is fuming. He pays up but returns a week later determined to collect $100,000. He says ‘My eyesight has become very weak.’

The Jamaican Doctor sighs theatrically ‘Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100,000.’

The American Lawyer (staring at the cash) protests ‘But this is $20,000 not $100,000’ to which, right on cue, the Jamaican Doctor responds ‘Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20,000’”

After an enjoyable guffaw at his own joke, Haemorrhoid spoke gently to Blanc and Dessie “The story’s first moral is every good gambler knows not to chase losses. But, more importantly, you can’t win an argument with a Jamaican. You especially shouldn’t argue politics with a Jamaican whose political arguments are always driven by mindless tribalism. Those minds can’t be changed.”

Haemorrhoid’s tall tale and penchant for verbal diarrhoea could easily be mistaken for analysis of today’s political antics. Trolls’ varicose verbosity while publishing passionately puerile positions on irrelevant, irrational irritations burnished by brainwashed biases is unbearable. Put that in your pipe and smoke it Artful Arthur Alliteration!

Take the recent allegiance switch by PNP Councilors used as propaganda props at JLP Conference. PNP trolls immediately swamped social media with personal abuse especially directed at Venesha Phillips. The kindest summarized her decision as “Good riddance” and “She’s JLP’s problem now”.

PNP doth protest too much. Methinks. Its anxiety to abuse former “Comrades” speaks more to PNP’s apprehension of political damage than any switcherite’s deficiency.

Then there’s a JLP dub plate produced using neither creativity nor talent. It’s a tweaked “cover” of PNP’s highly successful 1976 campaign song The Message, by Neville Martin, which, to date, is the only musical political production to make Jamaica’s Top Ten Pop charts. This new version seeks to turn the tables by asserting that Andrew Holness, his parents and grandparents “born ya”.

Ooohkkkayyyyyyyy… So JLP decided to have some childish fun. Immediately, many highly educated, allegedly intelligent adults began arguing ardently about which Jamaican politician’s father or grandfather was born where. Really? SERIOUSLY? So we’ve no real political concerns?

It wasn’t long before the dub plate was answered in the proper arena when PNP hit the pitch out of the park with its dub plate retort to the tune of Square One’s hit Kitty Cat re-named “Copycat”

Now can we try electioneering on serious issues?

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com