Dear Joan - Husband wants a temporary divorce

Dear Joan,

I have been married for almost 20 years to a wonderful man. We are both in good jobs and we both love the Lord. The main issue I have right now is that I am 45 years old and the curtain has pretty much come down on me ever having a child with my husband. We have been trying for years. We did everything. We went to the doctor and were told nothing is wrong with us, but still no pregnancy. I am so disillusioned and hurt right now. I believe in God and we have been praying forever about this one thing, yet my womb remains closed. I get so angry when I watch the news or read about careless mothers who hurt their children or just abandon them. Why do they get to be parents and people like us who are willing to love and care for them are denied the chance?

I question God sometimes, but I don't get any answers. I feel bitter in my spirit, so much so that sometimes I find it hard to worship.

I am afraid my husband is going to look outside. I asked him and he looked horrified and told me when he married me, he signed on for better or worse. I want to believe him, but I feel so inadequate, angry, and bitter.

- Bitter

Dear Bitter,

You are not alone in this regard. Many couples are yearning for the chance to be parents, but some take all that love they have to give and share it by adopting or fostering a child.

No one knows why some women get to bear children and some don't, but one thing I have learnt over the years is never to question God. My prayer for you is that at some point in your life, you will find peace in your situation and will be able to open your heart and mind to another avenue of being a parent. Trust your husband. Don't go looking for roadblocks where there aren't any. He is right. You both are in this together.

My husband

wants me to divorce him for a while

Dear Joan,

I am facing a situation right now where my husband is asking me to divorce him so he can marry someone else.

The thing is, he wants to migrate to the United States, and by marrying this person, who is a citizen, he said it won't take that long for him to get his green card.

He said he loves me and will never betray me and that he is only doing this as a business venture as the other person is not in love with him either. He said she is just "helping him out".

He plans to divorce her a year or two after he gets through and remarry me.

Joan, I don't know about this. As a Christian, I think it is dishonest and I know anything can happen once we have been divorced.

He is getting a bit upset with me because I am taking too long to make up my mind about it. Why can't both of us struggle and make life to together? If he loves me as he claims, why does he want to take that route?

- Upset

Dear Upset,

I know of cases where couples venture down this path and have come to regret it. It started off with the best of intentions, and before you know it, there is a child in the mix in this so-called 'business marriage'.

I agree with you. Have a heart to heart with him. Tell him how you feel about it all and that you are willing to work hard to achieve your goals in life. If you can't budge him, then call in reinforcement - by going to a family counsellor. Maybe then he can be reasoned with in a calm way. For your sake, I do hope he comes to his senses and abandons this path he is determined to tread.

Remember, too, that prayer changes things, so put the matter to the One who controls all things.

Blessings.