Emotional connection a must for relationship, says 29-y-o Davia

MANDEVILLE, Manchester:

She identifies as a demisexual, which is someone who only feels sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person, and according to her assessment of relationships, has been single all her life.

But it is not that she has no intention of entering into a fruitful relationship that may one day lead to marriage and children. Twenty-nine-year-old Davia Ellis is not getting to that point until she is satisfied by an emotional connection with a partner.

“Since the ending of high school, I was able to identify as demisexual and sapiophile although I did not know the words at the time … , As an adult, I enjoyed singles ministry until I realised that I have little degree of physical attraction within seconds of meeting any guy. There is no physical pull at all. So, if I complement a guy who is artistically sculpted, it’s just art for me. This does not elicit any hormonal spark,” Ellis explained.

Though she recognises that an emotional bond does not always translate to sexual attraction, Ellis said there are still very few instances where she has been sexually attracted to an individual.

“Have I felt fearful or worried at times? Yes, but I create quotes to remind myself and others: ‘If your cup is empty, it is a good time to find yourself, not another relationship’.”

The health and family life educator who helps young people deal with difficult challenges, such as HIV, violence in communities, and environmental problems, said she grew up with traditional Jamaican Christian values and is remaining single until she can fulfil her mandate of dating with intention.

“I have remained single, allowing my brain to fully mature and develop skills, which enhances my purpose and my values. This will benefit all my relationships, intimate or otherwise. I have been an imperfect fit in the hook-up culture or meeting milestones as pressured by family members and society.”

She added: “Apart from wanting a source of cuddling and company to zip the back of my dresses, I am happy that I can look forward to dating with intention. I have been embracing being a complete person so that I can complement someone if they come along.”

Ellis told Family & Religion that she has only dated 10 men in her lifetime, but only half of that number made it past the first date.

“The worst I have experienced while dating are a few men who try to kiss on the first date or ‘want’ me. It feels like a violation of my personal space. Others may believe that I am playing hard to get- whatever that is … . My worst experiences also revealed that as an empath, I am a mighty magnet to narcissists and a faithful learner,” she said.

Ellis said she has also come to learn that some men feel unwanted and insecure when they are not getting physical right away, and though she empathises, she will always remain true to self.

“As an empath, I have learned to protect my sensitivities by setting limits and boundaries with people and organisations who are draining. Fortunately, the natural world helps me to restore … . My ideal partner does not have to be a demisexual or sapiophile, but without an emotional connection, and further, an intellectual connection, I need not waste anyone’s time. Needless to say, having stimulating conversations and collaborating on projects would be a plus, even owning a business together, because it takes cash to care.”

She added that her ideal partner should be able to receive constructive criticism from her and be open to the idea that learning never ends.

“Furthermore, my ideal partner should be able to work out my mathematics: Intimacy + Emotional Bonding = Attraction. I am not focusing on a shortage of men who subscribe to my demsiexuality, but time and experience will tell. The label can be quite annoying, but it helps me to communicate who I am without using it against anyone or holding it up as a principle,” she said

familyandreligion@gleanerjmcom