DOCTOR'S ADVICE - A divorcée's dilemma

Q. Doctor, I have a dilemma. I am 34, and I recently got divorced from my husband. I found the divorce very traumatic. It has left me feeling pretty depressed, and I have not been sleeping well. I lay awake at night brooding over why things went wrong. Well, about a month ago, I heard that my husband's brother, who lives abroad, also got divorced this year. Apparently, he was coming to Jamaica to clear up some family matters with my ex-husband.

When he got to Kingston, he called me and invited me to have a drink with him. Foolishly, I agreed. We met at his hotel, and sat in the bar talking about how our respective marriages had broken down.

Then we decided to have dinner and talked some more over the meal. I guess we both had a little too much to drink because we went up to his room and spent the night together.

In the morning I was horrified. I could not believe that I had done such a stupid thing. I thought that he regretted it too. But a few days later, just before he left, he called me again. He told that I meant a great deal to him, and that he wanted to see me again.

A week later, I got a letter from him. He said that our night together had been 'the most wonderful of his life'. He stated that he thought he loved me! Then he finished the letter by inviting me to come and see him. He even said that he would pay for the flight.

Doctor, I have been very lonely in the last few months, and his offer is very attractive. But what do you think I should do?Would this affair be psychologically bad for me? And is it true that it is illegal to sleep with your brother-in-law? I am even wondering if I may end up marrying him. I am in torment, Doctor. Please help.

A. From a medical point of view, it is absolutely clear that you are depressed at the moment. The symptom of lying awake for long hours at night and brooding about the past is typical of clinical depression.

So the first thing that I think you should do is to go and see a doctor and talk about the way you are feeling. My guess is that he/she will put you on an antidepressant for a while. And I hope that they will suggest that you should have some sessions with a counsellor, who can help you organise your thoughts. If you can find one who practises cognitive behavioural therapy, that would be excellent.

As to your brother-in-law, two people, both of whom had been traumatised by divorce, did what many have done in similar circumstances, and slept together. That is extremely common after a marriage has broken down.

But the complicating factor here is that this man is your brother-in-law. From my experience, I can assure you that when people start having sex with partners who they are related to, even if only by marriage, this can lead to big problems within the family.

I hope that your ex-husband does not know about that night of passion. I think you should take care not to let him find out. Even though you are divorced, he may react with anger and jealousy, or even violence.These tensions within a family can be very powerful. That is why there have always been prohibitions, going back to biblical days, against sleeping with one's in-laws, or marrying them.

Under Jamaican law, you have not committed any crime by having sex with your brother-in-law. But there are countries where that would actually be a criminal offence, even though you are divorced. I do not know where your brother-in-law is living, so these days he would legally be able to marry you. But that is not something I would recommend, owing to the bitterness it could cause between the two brothers.

Summing up, I feel you are in a pretty bruised state at the moment. I really do not think that psychologically it would be a good idea for you to have further sexual contact with your in-law. Bear in mind that people who are depressed should not make any sudden decisions, since they are likely to be the wrong ones.

Q/ I am a 32-year-old man and two years ago I had a vasectomy operation in America. Now I have met a wonderful new woman, and would like to have children. So would it be possible to have this operation reversed?

A. Reversal of a vasectomy is an expensive and difficult operation and, to be frank, the results are not very good. In other words, there is no guarantee of success. If you decide to have it done, please go to a surgeon, presumably in the United States, who has experience of doing this this very tricky operation. That would give you the best chance of success.

Q. I think that my husband may have been with another woman. How would I know if he has given me gonorrhoea or chlamydia?

A. Unfortunately, in women these two common infections generally produce no symptoms, though sometimes they can cause vaginal discharge. So your best move now would be to go to a doctor and get a test done. Good luck.

Q I am a 29-year-old and and until recently I was leading a great sex life. But then I got some low feelings, and my doctor put me on some pills for this. Since then, I have been able to have sex, but I cannot discharge! Why?

A. I presume your doctor put you on an antidepressant. Many of these pills have the side-effect of delaying orgasm, or even preventing it. That is why so many men use them to treat premature ejaculation. I am sure that it is the pills which are making it difficult for you to climax. So just ask your doctor to change it.

Q. Since I reached the age of 29, I have been having very bad period pain. Is it true that anti-rheumatism tablets could help this?

A. Yes. Several anti-rheumatic medications are excellent for easing severe menstrual pain. Notably, there is one called mefenamic acid which does a good job in this respect. However, please note that all these pills can cause gastric irritation, or even internal bleeding. So take them only under a doctor's direction. Also, there must be some reason why your periods have started to hurt so badly. It might be a condition called endometriosis. You must get the doctor to diagnose your problem!

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