SUNDAY SAUCE: Rapture postponed!
Published:Sunday | May 29, 2011 | 12:00 AM
Oxy Moron, Contributor
At one hour to midnight on Friday, May 20, I packed my bag, after saying goodbye to all my friends, associates, relatives and foes, who were not Heaven bound. I was so excited by the thought of walking on streets of gold, I could not stay still. After all, my favourite things were in the bag, I took a long bath to expunge all impurities from my skin. I gave the spots where my wings would have been affixed some extra scrubs.
At 10 minutes to the hour, I drank one big mug of hot fever grass drink to calm my nerves. Excitement was at fever pitch. I then lay waiting for the rapture on my earthly bed in the supine position, as anxiety shock my body.
At the stroke of midnight, my bed also began to shake vigorously, and so was the building. I looked up and the roof parted, exposing a very bright sky. I felt myself levitating. There were sounds of trumpets and the sweet songs of angels coming from above. Oh, glory divine! Through the roof I floated. I felt something on my back. I moved them. Wings! I had wings! I laughed and flapped them. I could fly, I could soar!
All around there were other people flapping their wings. "Goodbye world, we are gone," we started to sing. Beside me was a huge woman, who was having problems with her flapping. Her wings, it seemed, were too small for her massive frame. I attempted to fly over to assist her. Then, it was 'Zap! Zap! Spak, Pap! Zap!' that I heard, as I felt electricity searing through my body.
My left wings had touched a JPS high-tension wire. The scent of singed feathers hit my nostrils as I went down, down, down. I became terrified as I was now Earth bound. Nobody attempted to prop me up. Too caught up in the rapture they were. Just as I was about to hit the ground, I was jolted from my dream by a very loud telephone chime.
Nothing heavenly
Confused, I groped in the dark, searching for my wings. They were gone. I sprung from the bed, flailing my hands. I found the switch, and clicked. There was nothing heavenly around me. At the bedside was my bag with my phone, my crunch board, my abs machine, my laptop and my rubber slippers. It was then that it dawned on me. I was still on Earth.
I took the phone out. And there it was, the message, whose loud notification had awoken me. It was from a friend, and read: "Keys to the Pearly Gates can't be found. Rapture postponed. LOL!"