Stealing love on the side

In reality, human beings have complex emotional needs, and sometimes it is very difficult for one individual to meet the complex and diverse needs of another person.

Take the example of 'John', who was involved with four different women and said that each one met a different need - intellectual, sexual, emotional and stability.

Another example is 'Mary', who, for many years, had two boyfriends. She indicated that she grew up seeing each of her parents involved with two other persons. Mary pointed out that her behaviour may not provide her with the stability of a committed relationship but it is what she knows and learnt and it is difficult for her to exist otherwise.

Here's some advice for persons in multiple relationships:

1. I am not a supporter of multiple relationships, and if what you want is a committed relationship, there is no place for dating several persons at the same time.

2. It is important to be upfront and honest about your relationships to all the parties you are involved with. Multiple relationships are often the cause of pain and great suffering.

3. Practise safe sex. It is important that whatever you do, do not put your life or the life of others at risk by not practising safe sex.

4. If you can't handle it, don't do it. Multiple relationships can be both physically and emotionally demanding for all parties involved. The reality is, if you truly love someone, you would never allow them to suffer in emotional pain. Unfortunately, many persons are narcissistic and selfish and only consider their personal needs in a relationship.

5. If you agree to be involved with someone who is dating another person, you must accept the relationship for what it is. Be clear in terms of what you are getting out of the relationship. Is it sex, financial support or companionship? Chances are you are not going to get everything.

6. If your partner is also having sex with another person and you decide to remain in that relationship, you must accept that reality. Don't spend your time agonising over the fact that he or she is sleeping with someone else. As you spread your bed, you must lie in it. That is the relationship you accepted, and that is what it is.

7. There is a difference between men and women in multiple relationships. Many men enter multiple relationships for the opportunity to date several women. Many women accept multiple relationships hoping that one day they will be the lucky one. The problem is that these relationships operate like the lottery and most people never win.

8. Make yourself priority. Stop making someone else a priority in your life when he or she only thinks of you as an option. If you feel you are an option in any relationship, it's time to look for your own option. Make your exit now!

Dr Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and head, Section of Psychiatry, Department of Community Health and Psychiatry, University of the West Indies, 977-1108; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.