Feeding on crumbs

Imagine never eating a slice of your favourite cake but only eating the small pieces that fall to the floor. If you haven't been enjoying a full and healthy relationship, chances are you are feeding on crumbs.

The irony of eating crumbs is that we don't feel full or satisfied on mere crumbs; there is always a craving for more. On the other hand, if you have a full slice or two of cake, you would most likely feel satisfied in a very short time. A whole slice contains the cake, the filling and the icing, and just eating any one bit can't satisfy our need for a fulfilling relationship that provides intellectual, emotional and sexual compatibility.

Again, we may think that if we are in a crummy relationship, the answer is to leave. Well that's not entirely true. Sometimes, as one client confessed, "My cake is right in front of me, but I'm just not eating the slices." If you decide that you are feeding on crumbs, it may be a good time to start making a wish list for the partner you truly want and see if your current partner has these traits.

Make a wish list

Make separate lists of what you want in 1) a husband/wife/partner; 2) a friend; a lover and 3) the father/mother of your children. Next, ask yourself: "Can I get this attribute, and still have that one?" In other words, are your goals realistic? If they are, the next questions would be: "Which one of these are my deal breakers? What am I not willing to live without? Does my partner have these qualities? Finally, does he or she know that this is what I'm looking for and what am I really willing to give up in order to have these things in my partner?"

So if you have got this far, it's time to sit down with your partner and ask them to make a list of their own. Go out for a date and discuss what you are both looking for in each other. You may be surprised how little you know of your partner's current needs. Agree to work on one of these issues each week and reward yourselves when you see the slightest improvement.

Meeting our needs

It takes genuine courage to build a healthy relationship. The courage to accept that we may not be meeting our partner's current needs, in the ways that they would like. And this can be frightening. No one likes to feel rejected or imperfect, but we must start there. None of us can fully satisfy the needs of another person, but we can jointly try to close the gap to such an extent that our partner wants to keep trying to meet our needs.

Let's stop feeding on crumbs and take a real slice of the cake and offer our partner a fulsome slice. Lazy people simply cannot love. It takes effort and work, but, thankfully, it's happy work. Challenge yourself to keep on loving, to keep on living fully.

Dr Karen Carpenter is a Florida board-certified clinical sexologist and psychologist. She is also the host of a radio programme, 'Love & Sex with Dr Karen Carpenter'.