Gordon Robinson | The essence of unity

Remember Apocrypha, the Fantasyland where it's hard to distinguish friend from foe and Dr Oma D'unn, PhD in logic, solves political problems by parable?

In Apocrypha, fallout from recent elections, where incumbent Promoting National Poverty (PNP) was upset by Opposition Just Lazy People (JLP), reached cataclysmic proportions. Members of the new political opposition called for Party Leader PoorShe Simple-Muller to resign. PoorShe made it clear she had no such plans. Already having broken the record for the number of election defeats suffered by an incumbent prime minister, she had her sights on former JLP Leader, Bedward 'Beddy' Spyaga's seemingly unbreakable record of elections lost as party leader.

Others in the party blamed General Secretary Pall Buck. Accusations of fault for the election loss flew fast and furious. The newly minted Opposition, formerly excellent at singing from one hymn sheet, was in disarray.

"There once was a musical troupe;

a pickin' singin' folk group.

They sang the mountain ballads

and the folk songs of our land

They were long on musical ability.

Folks thought they would go far.

But political incompatibility

led to their downfall.

Well, the one on the right was on the left

and the one in the middle was on the right

and the one on the left was in the middle

and the guy in the rear was a Methodist."

One MP-turned-talk-show host interviewed Pall Buck on radio. It was bangarang! No matter the question, Buck had one answer.

Host: Mr Buck, why won't you accept blame for the loss?

PB: Cluck cluck cloy cloy cluck cluck cloy cloy cloy cluck cluck cluck lay lo lake oh long lo ...

Host: Mr Buck, is time you resign.

PB: Cluck cluck cloy cloy ...

The host was mumbling "Wha' kinda Buckry dis?" when his producer said in his ear, "It's Buck's Law!"

"This musical aggregation

toured the entire nation

singing traditional ballads

and the folk songs of our land.

They performed with great virtuosity

and soon they were the rage.

But political animosity

prevailed upon the stage.

Well, the one on the right was on the left

and the one in the middle was

on the right

and the one on the left was in the middle

and the guy in the rear burned his driver's licence."

 

A NEAR RIOT

 

Party Executive had a tumultuous meeting at which PoorShe and Pall's resignations were agenda items, but the meeting descended into a near riot.

"Well the curtain had ascended.

A hush fell on the crowd

as thousands there were gathered

to hear the folk songs of our land.

But they took their politics seriously

and that night at the concert hall,

as the audience watched deliriously,

they had a free-for-all

Well, the one on the right was on the bottom

and the one in the middle was on the top

and the one on the left got a broken arm

and the guy on his rear said, 'Oh dear'."

Depressed, our young host asked Oma D'unn how to unite the PNP. Oma told him to take up golf. The host looked blank, so Oma told him the story of two politicians playing golf.

"Two golfing MPs, Horace and Jim, agreed on a $500 bet for nine holes. After the eighth hole, Jim led by one stroke but sliced his ball into the rough off the ninth tee.

"They split up to look for the ball, but neither had any luck. With a four-stroke penalty looming, Jim secretly pulled a ball from his pocket and tossed it to the ground. 'Found it!'

'After 40 years of friendship' Horace exclaimed, 'you'd cheat me out of a lousy $500?'

'Whaddaya mean cheat? I found my ball right there!'

'And you're a liar, too!' Horace wailed 'I've been STANDING on your ball for five minutes!'"

Oma explained that even lawyers agree more often than politicians. Only 'tricks yu!' could achieve unity.

"Now this should be a lesson

if you plan to start a folk group.

Don't go mixin' politics

with the folk songs of our land.

Just work on harmony and diction.

Play your banjo well.

And if you have political convictions

keep 'em to yourself.

Now, the one on the left works in a bank

and the one in the middle drives a truck.

The one on the right's an all-night deejay

and the guy in the rear got drafted."

Cecil Campbell (google him) and legendary Johnny Cash (The One On The Right Is On The Left) contributed to this week's musical interludes.

Peace and Love.

• Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.