Daniel Thwaites | Pallyticks gwine kill nuff ah unnuh

Mi nah goh tell nuh lie, at first I was really puzzled. Confused. Nonplussed. Flummoxed. Baffled. Bewildered. It nuh mek nuh sense. Or so I thought!

How is it, I was thinking, that Brogad and Tuffy, who have accepted such plaudits for overall handling of the coronavirus pandemic well, so far, could be calling an election just as a spike was occurring? Will it not spread and kill off one whole heap of people?

At the time, in my delusion, I was thinking: “Wow… this is crazy! With the spike from the Emancipendence week already causing grief, and with scores of new infections announced daily, there will inevitably be further nationwide deterioration based on nomination day activities, subsequent campaigning, and the bacchanalia of election day.

I understand the political calculus of grabbing a good window for electoral advantage, especially when the economic future looks bleak, but we were told national health would be prioritised. Surely, this is a mad reversal of everything that we’ve been previously told about staying home, social distancing, and doing everything to stop the spread. Barrelling forth as infections spike is signing a death warrant for numerous people and squandering the sacrifice every person and business poured into quarantining, wearing masks, forgoing usual business and activity to halt the spread.

Then I realised that I was wrong. We’re safe. I had underestimated the care and cleverness of the leaders, and of the virus.

SMARTER AND JUDICIOUS

I want to share that new sense of calm with you. It comes with the realisation that Anju and Tuffy are smarter and more judicious about the nation’s health than the doctors and public health experts, and therefore the decision here is in the public interest and common good.

“You can’t allow your institutions to collapse. You can’t allow democracy to fail because of COVID,” said the PM, who had six to nine months to go before the election came constitutionally due. He had been asked if he regretted the decision.

What he is saying mek sense. You see, you all are blinder than de dutty likkle ratbat that was probably eaten in Wuhan, China, to start off this whole pandemic. As certifiably blind and unsuspecting fools you didn’t know that democracy was in danger of failing and institutions were in danger of collapse.

The PM pointed to a planned demonstration against the ‘Resilient Corridor’ as evidence that Jamaica’s democracy might collapse and, therefore, his effort to rescue it. Needless to say, if a few people have a plan to demonstrate, it means the whole Independence project needs intubation and life support.

Plus, luckily for all involved, it turns out that the coronavirus is very intelligent and doesn’t spread at political gatherings. So that is why when there was fewer than a dozen confirmed cases the Government took the wise decision to prevent you from going to church and even quarantined whole communities. At the same time it also threw you out of work. It told you not to go to any parties, and not to socialise. And it told you that if it caught you doing that, the police might lock you up. In its inestimable wisdom, the Government also locked down the schools and told you to keep your riotous little savages at home with you to drive you crazy and nyam out all your food.

CORONAVIRUS KNOWS

The thing, though, is that the coronavirus knows it has permission to spread at church, at funerals, in the hospital, at work, at parties, and at school. However, it knows that with politics, it must answer to a higher power and, therefore, won’t spread. It wouldn’t dare. Yuh mussi waan Brogad kick it wid him Clarks? So now that we have community spread and well over thirteen hundred cases recorded (even with limited testing) it’s OK for everybody to bungle-up and mix-up and rub-up and run pallyticks.

Anyway, because Brogad can’t do a single thing without attracting naysayers, critics and backbiters, here comes the worrywarts over at the Medical Association of Jamaica (MAJ):

“The recent upsurge in cases indicates that we are in the midst of a second wave … The leadership of both parties have indicated that their respective supporters will behave responsibly but actions speak louder than words!”

Oh please! Physician, heal thyself! ‘bout “actions”. What do you know about the virus?

The Jamaica Medical Doctors Association (JMDA) came similarly huffing and puffing like dem ketch de virus arredy:

“The health sector is stretched thin and the blatant lack of adherence to the protocols … is only adding to this burden. Doctors have been working tirelessly to save lives, putting the well-being of the country above themselves and their families for months. It is disheartening, to say the least, to see their sacrifices being outrightly disregarded.”

Steuppes! Doc, sorry to have to tell you, but stop complaining and work harder. Go out like every other responsible citizen and vote early and often. The alarmism is unwarranted. Please refer to the virus’ political intelligence noted above.

This is the trouble with doctors and the public health professionals. They behave like they know things about health and viruses that the rest of us don’t know. Some people call this “training”, or “going to medical school”. I call it arrogance, elitism, and, especially, “love gwaan like dem too nice”.

Here is Anju once more dropping truth-bombs:

“We are transitioning from the containment phase into a phase of learning to live with COVID. So, you have to go on with your life.”

Facts. That’s why we’re going to “transition” with an immediate general election. It’s like a guy who has been stuck in a wheelchair for six months for fear of serious and debilitating shin-splints “transitioning” to mobility with a Jamaica Moves marathon.

Look here, the seriousness of this electoral undertaking came home to me with full force when I realised that one St James candidate is advertising giving bun and cheese 2,700 times as a political achievement. Can you deny that politics is to die for? Who knew that one smaddy can giwweh soh much bun? “You have to go on with your life”. And life is politics and politics is life. That’s why pallyticks gwine kill nuff ah unnuh.

- Daniel Thwaites is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com