Audrey Hinchcliffe | Dealing with grief and sorrow in COVID-19

“The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our separate ways, I to die, and you to live. Which of these two is better only God knows” (Socrates, Greek Philosopher, Athens, 470 -399 BC).

This saying of Socrates is resonating today as the coronavirus separates those diagnosed with COVID-19 from loved ones, whether by quarantine in the home or isolation in hospitals. The loved ones die badly – frightened and alone, while the family and colleagues are left with the grief and sorrow. “Only God knows” which position is better as both go through the stages of death and dying as the grief cycle described by Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying (1969). I was fortunate to have participated in one of the related seminars on the topic as a nurse administrator and college adjunct professor (Brooklyn NY, 1969-1978). The experience garnered from participating in role-playing through the grief cycle prepared me to face my own situation during severe illness which landed me twice on ventilators, and to lead my family through the sickness and death of a number of relatives. I have lost count of how many relatives for which I have had to deliver eulogies, one for a niece a month ago. When you are from a large family (13 siblings) and the multiplier factor offsprings, Socrates spoke to me personally.

So here comes COVID-19 and my family is not spared as it carried out one nephew at age 56 years (UK) and, at the time of writing, word came, COVID-19 has snatched away the mother of my driver. And, of course, when you have a workforce of over 3,000, COVID-19 is dancing among them. Grief and sorrow has become a part of my everyday life so I am writing this article from experience and hence commiserating with all whose loved ones are experiencing grief and sorrow and the uniqueness of the impact of the virus.

Socrates must have had a premonition as he subsequently was the subject of his own idiom when he was tried and sentenced to death for his personal beliefs. What makes COVID-19 related death extra sorrowful is it does not conduct trials. It simply, in numerous cases, imposes its own death sentence, with families having no opportunity to spend time with, and to say goodbye in person to their loved ones. This makes the grieving process more profound. It is in this regard that Kubler-Ross helps us to understand and work through our feelings.

THE GRIEF CYCLE

Kubler-Ross advises that some persons may not experience any of the referred emotions at all. These emotions may also be felt in situations other than death and dying, but also to broken love affairs, and I dare say business failures or other situations which can disrupt our lives from the way we would like it to be. But the stages are most commonly observed or experienced in the grieving population by the death of a loved one. Whether personally because of loss by COVID-19, or any other health conditions – death and dying causes grief and sorrow along the lines set out herein.

DENIAL: This equates to suppressing our feelings. We choose a reality which makes the situation easier to live with.

ANGER: When something untoward happens to us, the first thing that comes to mind is “why me!” We may even question our belief in God and wonder out loud “where is God?” This feeling must be allowed, as it will eventually dissipate. It is not unusual that relatives wonder what is wrong with you, but the saying comes, “he who feels it knows it.”

BARGAINING: We become desperate for things to go back to the way they used to be. We even try to bargain with God, as feelings of guilt may set in. For example, “if I was there this or that may not have happened”. In the case of the coronavirus, I should have worn a mask, I should have washed my hands and maintained distance as I was advised. We crave for another chance for compliance.

DEPRESSION: It is beginning to dawn on us that, whatever the situation, sickness, love lost, business failure, it may well be over. In the case of COVID-19, from the oxygen mask to the ventilator signals hopelessness. We are no longer in control. All sorts of emotions overtake us. Some may even entertain suicidal thoughts, we become numb and withdrawn. This is all part of our coping mechanism.

ACCEPTANCE: We deal with the reality at hand – the loved one is dying and will never be coming home again; the love is lost, or the business must be shuttered. The outcome of the situation is not good, but I have to live with it. We must move on and grow into the new reality. This is easier said than done.

COVID-19 NEW REALITY

Hospitals exist for sickness, death and dying, but it was never “in your face”. From time to time, we used to know of someone, even a relative, who goes in and may not make it out. This was few and far between until the coronavirus pandemic. There is no escaping death and dying, grief and sorrow assaulting our sensibilities daily, either personal, and in the news, locally and worldwide. The ensuing psychological impact is not just from the lockdowns, curfews resulting in the “new normal” for the way we live our lives, but to cope with hearing the number of deaths and dying among the population of the world is truly exhausting, stressful and, in some cases, debilitating. With the best will in the world to cope, our coping mechanisms are being tested.

COPING MECHANISMS

I recall a colleague of mine coining this phrase “stress ills, stress kills, so get stress skills”. Professor Gill was preparing us for a time like this. Support must be of a multifaceted public/private partnership approach, including health and wellness, public education, social and psychological support.

The coronavirus is among us since March, approximately seven months. Fatigue has set in resulting in untoward behaviours such as blatant non-compliance with edicts for controlling the spread of the virus. We are aware of business downturn and job losses. We hear of drug and alcohol abuse, we hear of physical abuse, we see the disruption in the education of our children, and the alarming death rate among our seniors. Religious and social interactions are restricted and, if these are not stressful enough, we are limited to the number of family members to say goodbye, from funeral parlour to church to graveside.

Each of the sampling of stress-causing conditions exacerbated by the coronavirus needs a related response. This, I defer to the respective professionals and agencies. Socrates placed death and dying in perspective. Kubler-Ross described the related emotions. I am speaking from experience. Death and dying, grief and sorrow have been part of my life experience with deaths of my parents, five siblings, one mate, and second- and third-generation members. My coping skills were drawing nearer to the Almighty, family and friends. Having faced with my own personal experience of sickness and near death, and yes, on ventilator, if I have coped, you can, too. You are not alone, help is available. Seek it, and those who are more enlightened about it to reach out to individuals and communities. Together, we can endure death and dying, grief and sorrow.

- Audrey Hinchcliffe is the CEO and founder of Manpower and Maintenance Services Ltd Group. Send feedback to ceo@manpowerja.com or columns@gleanerjm.com.