Gordon Robinson | The essence of safety

A global pandemic was so contagious, it reached beyond the clouds and devastated our favourite Fantasyland Apocrypha.

Government immediately imposed pandemic restrictions, including nightly curfews; a ban on commercial entertainment; gathering limits; and weekend stay-at-home orders. The restrictions exempted all essential workers, which, oddly, included MPs and Cabinet ministers.

Police learned of an illegal Saturday night party in a ‘cane-piece’ in the parish of Portless and executed a carefully planned midnight raid. They rounded up revelers, sound system deejays, videographers, food and beverage vendors.

While summarily arresting attendees, one young man, known to party-goers as Lloydie, asked to speak to the Officer-in-Charge, Superintendent Bailout. Lloydie told Bailout he was a Cabinet minister, so exempt from the law against gatherings or leaving home.

“But,” said Bailout, “Mi no see no Cabinet meeting a hol’ deh yah.”

“It doesn’t matter,” insisted Lloydie, “I’m exempt.”

So Bailout took Lloydie’s particulars; checked his ID; told him he would investigate; and carted the other party-goers off to jail.

Shortly afterwards, when the incident became known, Lloydie publicly resigned from Cabinet and apologised for his actions, writing they were “wrong”.

Bailout sought an Opinion from Apocrypha’s Chief Prosecutor who, months later, advised against charging Lloydie because there was no proof he left his abode for the cane-piece and he was exempt from the law. Bailout was apoplectic but, as a mere policeman, could do little. So he consulted Oma.

Regular readers remember Oma D’unn, retired politician who, despite his PhD in logic, was, like a moon, bright only in the dark. He was skilled at solving political problems by parable.

Oma told Bailout to buy a spike strip. Bailout looked confused, so Oma told him a Lieutenant Columbo story.

“Lieutenant Columbo spent most of ninety television minutes (which are like dog years) trying to corner a murderer.

As always, with the one-eyed detective, he was sure he knew whodunit, but the suspect (the victim’s close family friend) was clever and covered his tracks well. Columbo questioned his suspect but was stymied by rational answers to his probing questions. But Columbo knew the surest sign of guilt was a willingness to justify matters the suspect shouldn’t need to explain.

So he persevered. He questioned neighbours on the suspect’s movements. He analysed forensic evidence. Eventually, he returned to his favourite tactic by encouraging the suspect to talk until he tripped himself up with a vital contradiction that sealed the issue.

Finally, Columbo found a letter of condolence from the suspect to the victim’s family that included one detail only the murderer would know. So Columbo, eureka letter in hand, headed off to enjoy arresting his suspect.

He parked across the road from the suspect’s home. As soon as the suspect exited, Columbo called him. As the suspect stepped off the sidewalk to cross the road, he was hit by a cement truck and killed.”

A CEMENT TRUCK

Bailout still looked puzzled, so Oma told him the Chief Prosecutor was like a cement truck. He should’ve laid down a spike strip to stop it from killing his case. He knew where Lloydie lived. Surely, this was prima facie evidence he wasn’t a resident of the cane-piece? He knew Lloydie’s name didn’t appear on any exemption order, so, surely, this meant that words like ‘when conducting his duties’ after the words ‘holder of an office’ would be superfluous? Would exempting a Cabinet minister allow him freedom beyond his ministerial duties to take matey on a frolic in a cane-piece? How would that further legal public policy? Who should decide these issues?

Oma told Bailout Lloydie’s public confession of wrongdoing, plus evidence he already had, should’ve been enough to bring a charge, thus giving Apocrypha and Lloydie their day in court.

Oma reminded Bailout he had charged many suspects with less. But, once Bailout asked the Chief Prosecutor to be a Judge, he invited the attentions of a cement truck.

Peace and Love!

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.