Michael Abrahams | Men have feelings too

The patient and her husband came to see me, excited about her new status. She had missed her period, her pregnancy test was positive, and she had presented herself for confirmation. I was happy for the couple, and after asking the relevant questions and writing my notes, proceeded to the examination. Unfortunately, the ultrasound revealed that a miscarriage was in progress. I informed the patient of the finding, told her I was sorry about what had transpired, and left her to get dressed. I returned to my desk, where her husband sat waiting, and gave him the news. What happened next, however, was something I could not have predicted.

When the patient returned to my desk, she went over to her husband, embraced him and began to console him. The man was devastated and in tears. They were both disappointed, but the patient’s husband took the news harder than she did.

Yes. Men have feelings too. I wish I did not feel the need to say this, but apparently some women think we do not. In fact, what influenced me to write this article were conversations I had with two female friends of mine, at different times during the past week, about men and relationships. During our talks they revealed that they believe men have no feelings, and that we only want sex from them.

STEREOTYPE

Unfortunately, this stereotype of men is not uncommon in the minds of women, but it is also deeply flawed. One of the ladies, when I expressed my view that men have feelings, asked, “Which feelings? Anger? Jealousy?” Her question, though, is a pertinent one, influenced by her observations. We men are human and are capable of a wide range of emotions. At times, we may feel sad, fearful, uncertain or insecure. However, society places a lot of pressure on us. Despite our ability to experience these diverse emotions, there are only a few that many of us are comfortable expressing without fear of judgement or ridicule. We can be angry. We can be hungry. We can be aroused. That is okay. No problem with those. But if we open up about emotions that expose our vulnerability, we run the risk of being scoffed at.

Several years ago, a friend of mine related a story about an incident that took place in her community. One of the residents, a man, died suddenly from a heart attack. His nine-year-old son was devastated, and was crying. But his aunt, instead of empathising with the boy, berated him, and told him that “boys don’t cry”. My friend interceded on the child’s behalf and called out the aunt, telling her that the boy should be able to grieve and express his feelings.

This is how too many of us men are socialised. We have feelings, but are conditioned to repress many of them. And this has consequences. When we lock these feelings away, they eat away at us. Sometimes our negative emotions are turned inwards, resulting in unhappiness and depression. And in some cases, they are expressed outwardly as aggressive and violent behaviour.

ABUSE

Indeed, there are women who treat us as if we are devoid of feelings. They verbally, emotionally and even physically abuse some of us. They tell us the most awful, emasculating things. When physical violence rears its ugly head in heterosexual relationships, men are usually the aggressors. But it is not uncommon for men to be browbeaten too.

As for sex, we think about it a lot, and the average guy loves and needs it. Yes. It is a need. But is it all we want from women? No. We want that, but we also desire intimacy and companionship. We, too, want to feel desired. We want to feel needed, and not just as walking ATMs, either. We want to know you have our backs and your support. We want to be hugged and caressed too, and have our feet rubbed, and to hear the words ‘I love you’.

Men have done a lot of damage in this world, there is no doubt about that, and much of the trauma we have caused is indefensible. But the stereotypes are unfair. ‘Men are dogs.’ ‘Men are selfish.’ ‘Men just want sex.’ ‘Men are all the same.’ No. There are way too many of us who are undeserving of these labels.

If you are a woman and believe that we have no feelings, are all the same, and only want sex, you are probably meeting too many of the wrong types of men. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your circle.

Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, social commentator and human-rights advocate. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or follow him on Twitter @mikeyabrahams.