Kristen Gyles | When investments in relationships yield negative returns

So many domestic abuse cases are accompanied by an accusation of infidelity of some sort. Within the Jamaican context, a male abuser is likely to make the even more pointed accusation that his girlfriend or lover committed the cardinal sin of ‘dissing’ him. A surface-level investigation of what really constituted the ‘diss’ often reveals that it was nothing more than her interest in another man, or simply another man’s interest in her.

Earlier this week, when Andre Bromfield was sentenced to 18 and a half years in prison, the country was reminded of the horrific case of a man losing his mind over what he saw as a lost investment in a woman, who appeared to be gaining interest in another man. He shot the woman because she let another man kiss her. Apparently, in doing so, she had ‘dissed’ him.

In his cautioned statement, he said “Me tek up this girl and give her everything, build her all two-bedroom house, pay off her credit card, and me realise seh she have another man ... Me see this youth a kiss kiss her up and me talk to her and she a diss me up. Me just snap.”

His sentiments set me thinking, yet again, about why some people can’t help but talk about the gifts they buy for their partners as though they are investments. In this case, it’s as if the two-bedroom house and the credit card payment were to stand as some kind of surety that the relationship would last. Unfortunately, in so many cases, this assumption is either left undeclared by men entering into relationships or flatly denied. The woman first hears the word ‘investment’ at the point of the dreaded break up, when the man realises his negative returns.

STUPID GAMES

While I try hard to understand what drives these crazy killer-boyfriends, it would be remiss of me not to say that if you play stupid games, you will win stupid prizes. If you buy a woman a nice house, thinking she will never leave you, and you never establish that you are buying her a nice house in expectation that she will never leave you, you are playing a stupid game.

I understand that “Baby, I love you, so I’m going to buy you this expensive car, hoping that it will guilt-trip you into never leaving me” isn’t the most romantic thing to say, but a woman cannot be blamed for not meeting a man’s unstated expectations.

Beyond that, some say you should never invest money you can’t afford to lose. If a man is not prepared to bear the loss of the tuition he is paying for his girlfriend, he shouldn’t pay it. If he’s not prepared to lose the cost of the car he’s buying her, he probably shouldn’t be buying it. But then, what will these cash-flashing men use to lure women? Maybe their engaging personalities, admirable characters and irresistible charm? Oh, I forgot – flashing cash is easier.

It genuinely seems that in interactions with the opposite sex, women have a lot of toeing of line to do. When most parents give their children the infamous ‘birds and the bees’ talk, there is something that is usually included for the girl. “Don’t tek nutting from nuh man!”

Usually, if she makes the mistake of contravening this instruction, she is sent back with the ‘gift’, or simply smacked upside the head for her naivety. When men give gifts to women, especially those who are half their age, it is therefore seen as a flashing, red caution light in most situations. Except that, there will be times in relationships where men will give gifts – with very pure, non-possessive intentions. The woman now has the responsibility of trying to interpret the spirit in which the gift is being given, and now has to guesstimate the parameters of the man’s jealousy before accepting the gift. If she makes the wrong guess or misinterprets, she is likely to then be called a gold-digger and be blamed for using the man.

CASH-FLASHING

I won’t pretend that many women don’t in fact love the cash-flashing; but again, men should know not to be flashing cash they can’t afford to lose. And if men want something to do with their money that is likely to yield reasonable returns, they can visit the Jamaica Stock Exchange. Women are for a different purpose. If you sell one or two valuable internal organs to send your girlfriend to school, just count it as a loss of one or two internal organs. Unless you loaned her the money, don’t bring it up, because she doesn’t owe you anything she didn’t agree to pay back.

Last, I use the word ‘loss’ deliberately. If your intention was to use the cash you spent as bait, then you have suffered a loss. However, persons who genuinely loved their partners and wanted to see them do well in life, don’t regret giving financial assistance they could have afforded to give, simply because the partner moved on to another relationship. As the saying goes, when you like a flower you pick it, but when you love a flower, you water it daily. Now, shooting the flower in the head because someone else wants to pick it is a whole new level of insanity.

Kristen Gyles is a free-thinking public affairs opinionator. Send feedback to kristengyles@gmail.com.