Garth Rattray | Men have children, too

I asked a simple question of a middle-age patient, but I received a very telling answer. “How many children do you have, sir?” He looked surprised, chuckled, then laughed out loud before correcting me, “Men don’t have children doc, men get children!”

I thought to myself, therein lies the crux of why ours is a predominantly single-parent society. Therein lies the false notion that gives credence to men walking away from their paternal responsibilities and leaving mothers and grandmothers to raise their progeny. Many men view children as things that women give to them. Their reasoning is straightforward; if you ‘have’ a child, it means that you produced a child; obviously, men cannot become pregnant and produce a child. Therefore, if a woman has a child for you, she ‘gives’ you a child.

ADMISSION OF RESPONSIBILITY

Delving deeper into this reasoning, you will realise that if you have (possess) something, then it is yours; however, if you are given something, you have the option of accepting the gift or not. Men have said to me that they were given six children, but they only accepted five. Whenever I inquire about what happened to number six, they tell me that they are not certain that the sixth child is theirs.

Accepting a child is seen as an admission of responsibility for the child. But many men eschew responsibility for anything, especially for children. Most men want to be free, unencumbered by a child or children. Women, on the other hand, are seen as stable and designed to be caretakers of children. Some men see manliness as the ability to go wherever they please, whenever they please, with whomever they please. For them, a stable family is way too restrictive.

There is a perception that women are totally responsible for children because the egg is fertilised within their bodies, their bodies carry the foetus all the way to delivery, they bring the life into this world, their bodies literally feed the baby, and they remain very close to the child physically and emotionally. In several ways, most men see themselves as only playing a physically, financially and emotionally supportive role, with a choice to opt out if things get rough in the relationship.

Unless a child is the ‘dead stamp’ of the father, or unless there is DNA evidence of paternity, some believe that maternity is a matter of fact, but paternity is conjecture. In the back of many men’s minds, is the fear that he was ‘given’ someone else’s child – given a ‘jacket’. The belief that a third of all children are jackets is incorrect. What was discovered is that, if there is a question or doubt about paternity, one in three of those queries may turn out to be jackets. Therefore, jackets are not as common as many of us are led to believe. Some men will candidly admit that they are not monogamous, but most women claim that they are. However, if men are running around as much as it is said that they do, they must be running around with women. It therefore stands to reason that women are not as monogamous as many claim.

Deep within their psyche, men are aware of this, simply because they are not being monogamous with women who are not being monogamous. Fear of being secretly burnt (‘getting bun’), and of being saddled with another man’s child (being given a jacket) are therefore very real. This is another reason why some men put distance between themselves and their little ‘gifts’.

I have met women who confess that they know that their child is not for their spouse, but the real father is broke and has a dim financial future. For the sake for the child, they ‘give’ him/her to the man who is more capable of carrying out fatherly duties. But men are aware of this possibility, and when the tables are turned and they are on the receiving end of the gift of fatherhood, some of them harbour doubts. Therefore, this concept of ‘getting’ children is partly because of what some women do to men.

Another problem arises whenever women do not ensure that men stand up to their paternal responsibilities. Some women feel that they are going to show the bum dad that they are independent and capable of supporting themselves and ‘their’ child. They want the bum dad to feel redundant. So, they take full possession of the precious gift, deny or only allow the father limited access, and raise the child all by themselves.

Refuse to support

Some women are plagued by their estranged spouse (child’s father), who refuses to support his child unless she gives into his sexual demands. Other mothers are worn out from having to ask or beg for child support repeatedly, and/or by the prolonged and time-consuming back and forth of going to Family Court, so they become single parents. The problem is that, in these cases, the men are let off the hook and repeat their irresponsible behaviour, to the detriment of our society.

Fathers are very important for the proper development of children. The lack of a father figure is a major reason for criminality. We need more virtuous women and mature/responsible men. Big-ups and nuff’ respek’ to all the good fathers; I pray that others will follow your good example.

Garth A. Rattray is a medical doctor with a family practice. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and garthrattray@gmail.com.