Gordon Robinson | Premature ejaculation is never good

Dessie, the domino genius, was in a bad mood.

We had just finished listening to radio horseracing commentary in which Dessie’s big bet staggered from the gates, and despite a storming late run, just failed to catch the winner. So he returned to dominoes stewing. He immediately posed double-six. Autry played six-five, the Dunce six-blank, and I used blank-five to go two fives. Dessie passed, Gene drew double-five, and the Dunce produced five-deuce.

All hell broke loose. Dessie picked up six-blank, threw it at the Dunce’s forehead, and ejaculated (look it up) on the subject of cutting partner’s pose unnecessarily. He seemed about to strangle the Dunce when Haemorrhoid stepped in with one of his patented shaggy dog tales. By now readers should be acquainted with Ernest H. Flower, a lazy Articled Clerk who complained incessantly about the “piles and piles” of files on his desk.

Haemorrhoid wasn’t a player, but as a kibitzer with hilarious (if somewhat tedious) tales ever handy, was always present. This time, he told the story of a husband who suffered from premature ejaculation:

“His wife complained interminably that he wasn’t satisfying her, so finally, after months of being unable to fix his problem, the husband consulted a doctor who specialised in sexology. The doctor said, ‘When you feel like you’re about to ejaculate, try startling yourself.’

‘Allrighty,’ the man scratched his chin, ‘I never thought of that. Thanks Doc.’

the starter pistol

The same day he went to the store [here I’ve edited much of the shagginess from this dog as the man visited several stores and engaged in tedious conversations with store assistants as to what to buy] and bought himself a starter pistol. He was so thrilled at his prospects that he skipped the rest of the day’s work and ran home to his wife with great expectations.

As he arrived in the marital bedroom, the two engaged in ‘intimate relations’. The man felt the urge to ejaculate so fired the starter pistol.

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

The man answered, ‘Not well. When I fired the pistol, my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air.’

Haemorrhoid rolled on the floor guffawing at his own joke then told Dessie it wasn’t a good idea to be premature about anything but especially not in talking about a domino game before the hand was finished.

I remembered Haemorrhoid’s admonition during a recent revival of the perennial kerfuffle between MPs and the Integrity Commission (IC) regarding The Cowboy Clause (oops, sorry, “gag” clause) in the Integrity Commission Act (ICA) preventing the IC from making public statements regarding its investigations until they were completed.

The kerfuffle won’t be resolved without fundamental constitutional and ICA change. The irresolvable tension arises because the IC was set up as a Commission of Parliament but MPs are included as subjects to be “investigated”. You don’t have to be a racket (pun intended) scientist to realise that’s a non starter.

Ludicrous

The problem originates from Jamaica’s reluctance to reform the unsuitable Westminster governance forced upon us by colonisers where MPs and ministers are indistinguishable. This renders the concept of the IC investigating inmisters/inmistries and reporting to MPs ludicrous. If MPs’ role was constitutionally restructured to represent constituents as government watchdogs with job descriptions, including making laws but excluding involvement in Government contract awards, IC investigations of ministries could be reported to MPs without ruffling insecure feathers.

Announcements of pending investigations into activities within ministries could be made without naming any specific target.

A restructured process might look like this:

• IC certifies receipt of statutory declarations and receipt timelines

• IC may “investigate”/“audit” declarations from a limited category of public servant (including ministers in a system where they don’t double as MPs) capable of influencing spending of taxpayers’ money. Government employees not involved in spending taxpayers’ money (e.g. doctors) should be excluded;

• If an MP’s declaration raises suspicion, the IC refers it to the JCF, which investigates as it would any complaint;

• New legislation should criminalise MP involvement in government contract awards or statutory agency appointments other than as vetting agent on behalf of constituents;

• Members of the Executive should be subject to impeachment and MPs to recall election if 10 per cent of constituency voters so petition.

As it now stands, incompatible, antiquated, colonial governance structures and historical abuses of discretion make it unlikely that MPs can agree to give the IC “discretion” to publicise investigations.

It’s broke. Let’s fix it.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.