Gordon Robinson | More blessed to give ...

So how many times have you laughed at your parents or grandparents for forgetfully referring to something as a “doohickey”?

Trust me you don’t have enough fingers and toes to count. But I bet you didn’t know “doohickey” is a real word. My favourite companion, the Oxford English Dictionary suggests it may have originated in the Navy, possibly because sailors often encountered a wide variety of unfamiliar objects on ships. And you know sailors are most famous for (er, um) let’s say, tippling.

In the early 20th century, “hickey” referred to a small fitting or device, often used in plumbing or wiring. Later it became used to name anything whose proper name someone didn’t know. “Doohickey” is thought to have originated in a combination of the sounds of “doodad” and “hickey,” - a creative way of avoiding admitting you were just ignorant. Or forgot!

A post on reddit.com claims that one Charles Doohickey created the first “Seafood Doohickey” in 1786 while on a whaling ship off the Nantucket coast. As an illiterate deckhand, he had few tools and fewer words so he fashioned the first “Doohickey” out of whale bone and brought it with him when the ship returned. The design was patented, but Charles Doohickey was cheated out of the profits.

Seafood doohickey is now a utensil used for eating lobster. It’s made of two thin metal handles with small spatula looking ends – kinda like fondue forks.

But, among Jamaican Parliamentary staff, doohickey has become don’t hickey. On Wednesday, April 30, Gleaner published a news report that was obviously 29 days late:

Eyebrows were raised among staff at Jamaica’s Parliament after an internal memo warned that employees showing up to work “with visible marks on their skin, colloquially referred to as ‘hickeys’, would face immediate disciplinary action.”

Wha, wha, WHAT???

According to Gleaner: “The notice, issued by Clerk to the Houses Colleen Lowe, stated that, effective April 28, any employee displaying such marks would be sent home and have the day deducted from their leave entitlement.”

Authority was cited for that senseless silliness. Apparently Staff Orders mandating “professional dress and appearance” were breached. Parliament must uphold “the highest standards of professionalism and decorum”.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more surreal, Gleaner sought comment from a high profile Attorney-at-Law who, during a fit of giggles of which Brian Johnston would be proud, opined that he’d be curious to know how the “highest court of the land” (BTW Parliament is NOT a “court”) determines that was, in fact, a hickey. He went on to scholarly question how Parliament could verify a mark as a hickey versus eczema or mosquito bite. He warned profoundly against overreach without evidence

Really? Seriously? Evidence? That’s what concerns you about the incident? SO WHAT if it IS a hickey? I. Don’t. Care! My response to the Clerk would be the mark can easily be proven to be a bucket full of none of your business.

Gleaner also reported a Trade Unionist argued the memo was “ridiculous”. Why? Because it “relies on assumptions about the nature of skin marks.”

Christ on a crutch that’s farther from the issue than the hickey was from a sailor’s false teeth. Only Danielle Archer’s response approached reality. She explained what should be obvious to lawyers, trade unionists and other humans namely “such markings…. fall under personal rights and privacy.”

But I can offer an equally scholarly parsing of the memo. It’s clearly meant to encourage staff members to take Super Cat’s advice:

See Boops deh, yes gwan go eat him out, girl

See Boops deh, me say gwan go hug him up, yes

See Boops deh, me say gwan go love him out, yes

See Boops deh, girl gwan go take a set, yes

See Boops deh, go give him hickey ’pon him neck (BIM)

“Wild Apache” William Anthony Maragh, popularly known as Super Cat, is an iconic deejay who achieved widespread international acclaim in the late 1980s/early 1990s. It’s a little known fact that he’s a first cousin of Marcia Griffiths whose monster 1967 hit Feel like Jumping’s rhythm was the foundation of his own 1985 breakout hit Boops.

It seems the Clerk’s reading of Staff Orders insofar as it allegedly relates to staff’s private sex lives can be loosely interpreted as follows:

1. The ideal is celibacy;

2. If you must have sex then make sure you give your partner hickeys not the other way around

Because, as every devout Christian knows, Acts 20:35 teaches “It is more blessed to give than to receive”. Theologians insist the act of giving brings a greater sense of blessing and fulfilment than simply receiving. So, Parliamentary staffers, be super Christian in your extra-curricular activities. Give hickeys. Don’t receive them.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com