Understanding your partner's needs

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

Several couples are experiencing stressful relationships in reaction to the reality of dealing with financial limitations, which make coping even more difficult.

However, outside of the reality of the economic hardships, some partners face difficulty in the relationship because they really do not understand each other's needs. John Gray, Ph.D. writing in Men, Women and Relationships, posits that men and women have different primary needs.

Male primary needs:

1. To be loved

2. To be accepted

3. To be appreciated

4. To be trusted

Female primary needs:

1. To be loved

2. To be cared for

3. To be understood

4. To be respected

Complement

For a relationship to work well, women and men have to complement each other in the primary needs which supersede the secondary needs. Dr Gray describes it as "a man's primary nature is to complement women's primary needs. A woman's primary nature is to complement a man's primary needs. When a man cultivates his caring, understanding and respectable attitudes, he is best able to support his woman. When a woman cultivates her feminine nature, she is best able to support a man".

As couples move through the life cycle, they often wonder why their relationships turn sour and why there are common disagreements and arguments.

"It is like falling out of love," according to Donnawho has been married for 12 years. "Very often you wonder if it is the same person you married, and you question where the thrill of the relationship has gone," she adds. Donna recalls her early days of courtship and early days of marriage when 'love was lovely'. Now she is just going through the motions of the relationship as her husband has become miserable, grumbling and uninterested in family affairs.

Donna's position is supported by Dr Gray who attributes the cause of these traits as symptoms of stress. He adds that in response to her man's miserable state, a woman will feel unloved and withdraw support for him. Equally, he states that women are not without their share of stress symptoms which are exhaustion, to feel overwhelmed, and to overreact. When a woman gets upset, her partner, not knowing how to respond, will get upset as well and an argument may develop.

When he grumbles

Dr Gray believes that if women understood the psychology of why men grumble, they could stave off the arguments that may develop. When a man is focused on achieving a goal and is asked to shift his focus to attend to what he considers trivial, he will grumble as he finds shifting his goal focus in midstream stressful. Dr Gray suggests that what women should understand is that the grumbling is not an indication of his unwillingness to do what was asked, but just resistance at the time.

This resistance is a fundamental psychological difference between men and women. Dr Gray's reason is that women have more corpos callosum in their brains. Corpos callosum is the connective tissue joining the right and left sides of the brain. With more corpos callosum, women are better able to multitask, shifting functions as is necessary.

Ask to get

Women, according to Dr Gray, are intimidated when their men are in the grumpy stage. They do not want to ask for support and may have an attitude and cranky reactions. Women mistake men's grumbles as getting even and so she may avoid asking for assistance. He suggests that women must ask to get, and so they need to learn the art of asking without demanding, asking directly instead of indirectly.

When a woman overreacts

When a woman is under enough emotional stress, she will overact to the slightest situation and her partner may feel her wrath. Gray writes that "an overreacting woman will tend to say things that are irrational, unfair, inconsistent and illogical - things that she will later on forget or say she did not mean. A few minutes later, she may laugh about it." In response to the overreaction, men should ask their women how they feel and listen to what they are saying without taking it personally, and without scolding and blaming.

Men should not take women's overreaction seriously and they should not feel that the overreaction is targeted at them. Women's overreaction tends to make men feel that they are being punished. In time, women will sort out their stresses discovering that most are not really their partner's fault.

Compassion

While the tendency of men is to treat their women in a negative way for overacting, they should understand that women are not deliberately taking things out on them, but they may walk into a situation where there has been an accumulation of upsetting factors. What women need at this time of upset and outburst is some compassion and a shoulder on which to lean. This will help both partners to relax and ease existing tension. Women just want to be heard without being blamed and chastised.

As a man listens, he should not feel obliged to do 'anything'. Dr Gray offers suggestions as to what a man can subtly do to help his woman through her overreacting moments.

He can decide to give her his full attention.

He can make reassuring responses like, "I am hearing you" or "tell me more."

He can use the phrase "I understand" without being patronising.

Avoid answering rhetorical questions which she may use to make her point.

He should avoid offering too many solutions as she has to chart her own course.

When a man empathises, almost automatically the attitude of the overreacting woman changes and she becomes more loving, calm, positive and accepting.

Relationships can survive stressful times once partners recognise that people are different, and so are their primary needs. Recognition of each other's differences is the essence of unconditional love which provides a bridge over troubled relationships.

name changed for privacy

Send feedback/questions to Heather Little-White at: heatherl@cwjamaica.com